The Sports Pad All-Nickname Teams

I’ve learned two things as The Sports Pad:
1.) I’ve seen what you get when you mess with a Warrior and I want no part of it.
2.) When a reader requests an article, you should probably do it.

So when the Warrior requested I do an article about my All-Nickname Team, I thought I should do it. The only real criteria that I have for my All-Nickname Team is that I didn’t want to put the super obvious choices. So no Magic, Pistol, Mean Joe, Mr. Hockey, Pudge or Satchel. Also, no initials. So LT, A-Rod and MJ are all out too.

Without further ado, I give you the SPORTS PAD ALL-NICKNAME TEAMS:
(I’ve taken the liberty to break them down by sports category. Enjoy!)

Basketball

Caron Butler, "Tuff Juice" - Because that's what's coursing through his veins... Tuff Juice. Wizard fans, you can order a really cool Tuff Juice T-shirt here.

Vinnie “Microwave” Johnson - Because he heats up in an instant. I watched many a Microwave scoring jag as a youth in Detroit.

Fred Hoiberg “The Mayor” - Hoiberg got this nickname because of his popularity on-campus at Iowa State and because his hometown is Ames, Iowa (Iowa State’s locale).

Jerome Williams, “The Junk Yard Dog” - He goes after rebounds like a junk yard dog.

Ricky Davis, “Get Buckets” - Why “Get Buckets”? Because that’s what Ricky does, get buckets. Davis has also started the “Buckets Brigade” were he buys 10 season tickets and distributes them to fans. While researching Davis’ nickname I found this wikipedia entry (all you need to read is the last sentence), which for any other player I would have immediately discounted the entry. But with Ricky, I thought about for second. That could be his motto...

Marvin Barnes, “Bad News” - An all-world talent who was always getting into trouble off the court. His drug addiction wasted a large portion of his career, bouncing him in-and-out of rehab facilities. However, he is now clean and counsels youth in the Providence, Rhode Island.

Channing Frye, “Buffet of Goodness” - When Frye was asked to describe his basketball talents he replied that he’s a “buffet of goodness” because he can do many things well.

Larry Nance, “The High-Ayatolla of Slamola” - Nance got this nickname after winning the NBA’s first dunk contest in 1984.

Basketball Nickname MVP:
Bill Mlkvy “The Owl without a Vowel” - I love this one. Again, the marriage between name and school works perfectly. Mlkvy played college ball at Temple University, nicknamed the Owls. Mlkvy once scored 54 straight points without a teammate scoring. Just get out of Klqrtndzx’s way and let him get buckets.

Football

Craig “Ironhead” Heyward - At 5’11” 250 (some reports he got up to 300+), Ironhead was one of the best “big backs” in the game. He also had an enormous head at 8 3/4.

Christian “Nigerian Nightmare” Okoye - Born in Nigeria, he had size (6’1” - 260), strength and the speed to be an absolute nightmare for opposing teams to bring down. Also this dude was a beast in Tecmo Bowl.

Gayle Sayers, “The Kansas Comet” - Sayers has been tabbed as one footballs best open field runners. He could have been one of the statistical greats if his career hadn’t been cut short by injuries. Just to let you know how much of an impact he made on the game he was the youngest player ever inducted to the Hall of Fame and he only played five seasons.

Elroy “Crazy Legs” Hirsch - Elroy got his name because he had a weird, gyrating running style. He also is the only University Michigan athlete to letter in four sports, football, baseball, track and basketball.

Calvin Johnson, “Megatron” - I’m a Lions fan and a fan of ‘80s alien robot cartoons.

Ron Mix, “The Intellectual Assassin” - Who says football players are dumb? Mix had a Juris Doctor degree from USC. He was a pretty good offensive lineman, too, getting called for only two holding penalties in 10 years.

Dave Fennell, “Dr. Death” - Fennell was a defensive tackle, who played in the Canadian Football League from 1974-83. He lead Edmonton to five straight Grey Cups championships and was the Most Outstanding Canadian in 1979. I think we should have an award like that here in America. Most Outstanding American. I’d like to nominate myself, The Sports Pad, for this inaugural award.

Chuck Bednarik, “Concrete Charlie” - If Tuff Juice was a nickname is the ‘50s and ‘60s, that might have been this guys name, but since it wouldn’t have made sense back then he went by Concrete Charlie. He played Linebacker and Center and was a concrete salesman during the offseason. Bednarik, always outspoken has some of the best quotes regarding modern-era football players and their toughness. Calling them “pussyfoots” who “couldn’t tackle my wife Emma.” No report what Emma’s 40-time was; I’ll keep looking though.

Karl Mecklenburg, “The Albino Rhino” - Just a big, white dude who wouldn’t stop until he has tackled you.

Victor “Macho” Harris - Word is that, Harris got his nickname from his dad when he was two years old. Ever since I’ve heard that story I’ve always wondered, “What did Harris do that made him think ‘damn, that kid is macho’?” Did he ask for a highball of scotch? Start a brawl in the nursery? Then I came across a photo from his childhood, here.

Lester “The Molester” Hayes - Was one of many characters one those late ‘70s Raiders teams. He was known for his physical style of coverage on wide receivers, which earned him the nickname that he hated so much. Hayes was also a huge Star Wars fan calling himself the “only true Jedi” in the NFL. But I don’t think that was the case, because if he was a Jedi couldn’t he have just waved his hand in front of the WR’s face and say “You don’t need to catch any passes today.” I don’t need to catch any passes today...

Football Nickname MVP:
Jared Lorenzen, “Round Mound of Touchdown”, “Hefty Lefty”, “BBQ - Big Beautiful Quarterback”, and “He Ate Me” - Lorenzen has all the ingredients for a nickname; size (he’s 300 lb.), odd position for that size (QB), southern playfulness. It’s the perfect storm for a nickname. Lorenzen has really had a Hall of Fame Nickname career, you’ve got ones that rhyme, acronyms, word play. It’s all there.

Hockey

Chris Nilan, “Knuckles” - The dude loved to fight, so he took up hockey. Nilan is why the joke on hockey is “I went to a fight and a Hockey game broke out.” I love his career numbers, too. Goals: 110. Assists: 115. Penalty Minutes: 3043.

Pat Verbeek, “The Little Ball of Hate” - 5’9” and full of rage. You know you’re a pest when your own teammates give you that nickname. He was a tough dude too, in ’85 his thumb was cut off in an auger accident; NHL games missed: 0.

Ken Linseman, “The Rat” - Linseman had a special talent for annoying the opposition, so much so he earned the nickname “The Rat.” Oh and he looked like a rat too.

Nikolai Khabibulin, “The Bulin Wall” - Perhaps the best goalie nickname you could possible have.

Curtis Joseph, “CuJo” - I know I said no initials, but when the initials form the name of fictional, rabid St. Bernard, who goes on a killing spree and can’t be stopped, well I’ll make an exception.

Sid Abel, “Old Bootnose” - He had a nose that looked like a boot. What?

Hockey Nickname MVP:
Stu Grimson, “The Grim Reaper” - 6’6”, 240 lb. His entire career he played the role of the enforcer. Mess with his teams best player and The Grim Reaper is coming for you.

Baseball -
Willie Jones, “Puddin’ Head” - Puddin’ head showed up when it mattered, this Phillie has six career grand slams.

Steve Lyons, “Psycho” - Lyons once slid into third base and without realizing there were fans in the stands or TV cameras broadcasting the game, he pulled down his pants to get the dirt out of them.

James “Cool Papa” Bell - A speed demon from the Negro Leagues, stories and legends about “Cool Papa” are just unbelievable, that he could run the bases in 12 seconds or that he would have made Jesse Owens look like he was walking. One of the most well known anecdotes is from Satchel Paige who said he was "so fast he can turn off the light and be in bed before the room gets dark." Bell came very close to being the Baseball Nickname MVP.

Andre Dawson, “The Hawk” - I loved this Cubbie growing up, but I have no idea why his nickname is “The Hawk”? Can anyone answer this for me? Anyway, it’s a pretty cool nickname.

Charlie Gehringer, “The Mechanical Man” - A consistent ball player who had two streaks of 500 games played in his career. It was said "just wind him up on opening day and for get about him."

Lenny Dykstra, “Nails” - As in “tough as...” Nails was just a hard charging, chew spitting ball player who slid head first into your heart.

Cecil Fielder, “Wild Bear” - Fielder got this name in Japan because of his enormous size.

Baseball Nickname MVP:
Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown - Mordecai’s nickname just wasn’t a gimmick, it was a lifestyle. As a kid, he lost parts of two fingers due to a farming accident. He went on to become a pretty good pitcher and his disability actually helped his pitching. Mordecai also had pretty awesome hair.

Miscellaneous Sports:
Soccer -
“One Size” Fitz Hall
Duncan Ferguson (Drunken Ferguson/Duncan Disorderly)

Boxing -
Thomas “The Hitman” Hearns
Vinny Paz “The Pazmanian Devil”
Chuck Wepner "The Bayonne Bleeder"
Mike McCallum “The Body-Snatcher”