Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Sports Pad All-Time NBA Draft

1979 was an eventful year. It gave us the Iran Hostage Crisis, Pope John Paul II became the first Pope to visit the White House and Voyager I reveals for the first time photos of Jupiter’s rings. Pittsburgh is on top of the sporting world as the Steelers won Super Bowl XIII and the Pirates defeated the Orioles to win the World Series (Looks like things really are cyclical; the Steelers and Penguins both won championships in 2009). “My Sharona” by The Knack becomes number one on the Billboard Charts, for six weeks, signifying the death of Disco. It gave us the first Star Trek movie (Star Trek: The Motion Picture), Kramer vs. Kramer wins the Oscar for Best Picture and Jim Henson made The Muppet Movie. The Chicago White Sox promotion “Disco Demolition Night” became the worst baseball fan riot since "Ten Cent Beer Night" in 1974. Sweeney Todd and Evita made their Broadway premieres. Chrysler asked the Government for a billion dollar loan (See what I’m talking about things being cyclical). Both ESPN and The Sports Pad made their introductions to the world. Coincidence? I think not.

To celebrate my thirty years of life and one of my favorite sporting events, the NBA draft, I thought I would give you The Sports Pad All-Time NBA Draft over the last 30 years. For sixty picks, The Sports Pad will give the best picks (and some of the bust picks) from the past thirty years of NBA drafts.

I will now start the list in reverse order to build anticipation...

Can you feel it???

2nd Round

60.
This one is an easy one considering that more often than not the last pick of the draft barely (if ever) makes the squad, recently the pick has been used to snag an up-and-coming European prospect and leaving them to play overseas while they cultivate their skills. Never do they become Hall of Fame players... unless that player is Drazen Petrovic. The Portland Trailblazers drafted Drazen Petrovic in 1986. Making his debut in ’89, Petrovic only played four NBA seasons, (unfortunately he was killed in a car accident in 1993) but his affect the game had global repercussions. To this day, Petrovic has the fourth best career 3PT field goal percentage (.437).

59. Sedric Toney, Atlanta Hawks, 1985.
Um, there’s not much here at 59. However of all the No. 59 picks (there are only 15, drafts from ’88 to ’03 only had between 54 and 58 total picks) Toney was the only one to play more than one season. That’s a little Sports Pad Lemonade for you.

58. Kurt Rambis, New York Knicks, 1980.
Now I know what you’re saying Rambis played for the Lakers and you’re right he did, but he was drafted by the Knicks, cut by the Knicks and went on to play in Greece for a year before signing with the Lakers. It was there where he became a fan favorite with his all out hustle and thick black rimmed glasses, even famous Lakers announcer Chick Hearn dubbed him “Superman.” So sorry, Shaq and Dwight Howard, Rambis was the original Superman.

57. Manu Ginobili, San Antonio Spurs, 1999.
Ginobili, or as Charles Barkley would call him GINOOOOBLEEE,” has become on of the best clutch players in the NBA today.

Other No. 57 notables:
Franks Brickowski, Knicks, 1981.

56. Ramon Sessions, Milwaukee Bucks, 2007.
Sessions was an early entry candidate in the ’07 NBA draft and that choice could have proved to be career suicide considering he was barely drafted. Sessions hung around and has proved to be a late round steal for the Bucks, he had a franchise record 24 assists in 2008 and he posted a triple double against the Lakers in 2009.

55. Luis Scola, San Antonio Spurs, 2002.
Again the Spurs strike gold with an Argentine player late in round two. This time they weren’t able get the deal worked out with his Spanish team’s buyout, so in 2007, Scola was shipped off to Houston where he has had two good seasons for them, finishing third in the ’07 Rookie of the Year voting.

Bust pick at 55: Rick Rickert.
Rickert was an early entry candidate as a sophomore. His credentials were: First team All-Big Ten (2003), Big Ten Freshman of the year (2002) and McDonald’s H.S. All-American (2001). Thinking he was going to be a first round pick, the closest he ever got to playing in the NBA was one season in the NBDL and getting sucker-punched by Kevin Garnett during a pick up game.

54. Sam Mitchell, Houston Rockets, 1985.
Even though Mitchell was drafted by the Rockets, he didn’t get a chance to play ball in the NBA until 1989 when he signed with the expansion team, the Minnesota Timberwolves.

53. Anthony Mason, Portland Trailblazers, 1988.
Again, we see a player getting drafted, cut by that team, then going overseas to get a little seasoning to their game. Mason will be remembered most for being a muscular hybrid forward, rugged defender for the Knicks during the Pat Riley era (that and his haircuts). He has won a Sixth Man of the year award, All-Defensive Second team, and All-NBA Third team. He was also an All-Star replacement for injured Grant Hill in 2001.

52. Fred Hoiberg, Indiana Pacers, 1995.
This pick came down to Rasual Butler and ‘The Mayor’ Fred Hoiberg. Hoiberg gets the edge because of his better shooting and nearly 450 more assists than Butler in only 66 more games. Plus, Hoiberg once received a write-in vote for his hometown of Ames, Iowa mayoral race giving him that awesome nickname.

Other No. 52 notables:
Rasual Butler, Heat, 2002. Jarron Collins, Jazz, 2001.

51. Kyle Korver, New Jersey Nets, 2003.
Traded to the 76ers for cash on draft night this Ashton Kutcher doppleganger has been sharpshooting the ladies hearts ever since.

50. Steve Kerr, Phoenix Suns, 1988.
Speaking of sharpshooters, Kerr might be considered the best ever with a career 3PT field goal percentage (.454) that is the best of all-time. Throw in his five championship rings and that iconic image of him draining the game clinching bucket during the 1997 NBA finals and you have the best No. 50 pick.

49.
See this is when having the last 30-years caveat makes this list difficult because the best overall No. 49 pick could have been two time All-Star ‘Fast’ Eddie Johnson, if he wasn’t drafted in 1977. However, seeing as how this list is celebrating The Sports Pad’s 30 years on earth and the NBA draft the best No. 49 pick is Haywoode Workman. I have a feeling this might rear it’s ugly head again.

48. Cedric Ceballos, Phoenix Suns, 1990.
We all remember Ceballos’ blindfold dunk that won him the 1992 Slam Dunk Title, but don’t forget what an efficient scorer he was posting a career FG% of .500.

Other No. 48 notables:
Craig “Forever posterized by Michael Jordan” Ehlo, Rockets, 1983. Craig Hodges, San Diego Clippers, 1982.

47. Mo Williams, Utah Jazz, 2003.
Again we see an early entry candidate who, despite getting drafted late in the second round, held strong and battled his way into the NBA. Now, Mo plays for the Cavs and gets a front row seat for the LeBron show every night.

Other No. 47 notables:
Paul Millsap, Jazz, 2006. Vernon Maxwell, Spurs (best know for his work with the Rockets), 1988. Gerald Wilkins, Knicks, 1985.

46. Jeff Hornacek, Phoenix Suns, 1986.
What can you say about Hornacek other than he was a solid pro who ended up with his jersey retired with the Jazz? The Jazz Announcer calls him “Horny. I don’t know why maybe I should ask one of his fourteen kids. (Just kidding, Hornacek has three kids.)

Other No. 46 notables:
Voshon Lenard, Bucks, 1994. Jerome Kersey, Trailblazers, 1984.

Bust pick at 46:
We’re triple dipping here at 46. Highly touted, Jamal Sampson played one season at Cal (even though he posted 6 pts and 6 rebs.) and then it was off to the NBA were he played for five teams in five seasons. But the best of the bust goes to Ousmane Cisse. This shot-blocking McDonalds All-American tried to go prep-to-pro but has yet to play in an NBA.

45. John “Hot Rod” Williams, Cleveland Cavs, 1985.
His best season came in ’89 - ’90 when he went for nearly 17 ppg and 8 rpg.

44. Malik Rose, Charlotte Hornets, 1996.
Rose is one of the first undersized PF’s to make a dent in the league. He contributed on two Spurs title teams before he was shipped off to basketball purgatory with the Knicks in 2005.

43. Michael Redd, Milwaukee Bucks, 2000.
Here’s the deal, NBA, if you can shoot, you can shoot. Redd’s biggest knock was he wasn’t athletic enough to play in the league. Now he is an Olympic gold medal winner, an All-Star and a career 20 ppg scorer. So, to the NBA, don’t worry about a players physical limitations, because if a guy can shoot... he can shoot.

Other No. 43 notables:
Trevor Ariza, Knicks, 2004. Eric Snow, Bucks, 1995. Chucky Brown, Cavs, 1989. Brown holds the record for most teams played for with twelve teams in thirteen years.

42. Stephen Jackson, Phoenix Suns, 1997.
Here’s a guy who was a McDonalds All-American, who couldn’t qualify academically, spent a semester at a Community College and throws his name into the draft to see what happens. He bounced around lower level basketball leagues, before he hooked up with the Spurs, got a little seasoning and became a valuable member of the 2003 Spurs title team. That made him a sought after commodity. He signed with the Hawks and later traded to the Pacers, where he made his most memorable performance by leaping into the stands and drilling some kid in the face. Then he gets traded to the Warriors and became part of the greatest NBA playoff upsets beating the Mavs in 2007. Which leads me to the Jeopardy answer of this post “Dirk Nowitzki and Innocent-by-stander-watching-a-fight Guy both have nightmares about me.” Who is Stephen Jackson? I would love to read a biography about Stephen Jackson he has had, easily, the craziest career/life of any NBA player that I can think of.

Bust pick at 42:
Chris Taft, Warriors, 2005. First round talent, second round heart. Came out after his sophomore season, but some questioned his drive and passion. During one pre-draft workout he cut it short because Ike Diogu was pushing him around “too” much. His career, was cut short by chronic back spasms.

41. Cuttino Mobley, Rockets, 1998.
The “Cat” gets the nod at No. 41. He averaged 16 ppg for his career and is a noted fashionista. See, we don’t just talk sports at The Sports Pad.

40. Dino Radja, Boston Celtic, 1989.
Radja was one moped accident away from getting bumped by Monta Ellis. Radja’s biggest achievement came in the Euroleague, as he was nominated to the 50 Greatest Euroleague Contributors.

Bust Pick at 40:
Korleone Young, Pistons, 1998. The poster boy for the Anti-Prep-to-Pro campaign.

39. Rafer Alston, Milwaukee Bucks, 1998.
Skip to My Lou has transitioned, to the NBA, better than any other streetballer to date. He still keeps in touch with his roots, occasionally showing up to And-1 events.

38. Doug West, Minnesota Timberwolves, 1989.
West was an athletic defender and one of the first picks for the expansion Timberwolves.

37. Nick Van Exel, Los Angeles Lakers, 1993.
Nick “the Quick” never saw a shot he didn’t like. He lived to take the big shot and came through on more than one occasion. Plus, he liked to up the degree of difficulty on his free throws, by standing about a foot behind the line.

Other No. 37 notables:
Mehmet Okur, Pistons, 2001. Okur is an All-Star and he happens to be born on the exact day as The Sports Pad. It’s like he’s my Turkish twin.

36. Clifford Robinson, Portland Trailblazers, 1989.
Was one of the first big guys to step out behind the three point line. At 6’10” he made over 1,200 threes during an eighteen year career. (Sports Pad note: I almost had to put Jerome James down as the best No. 36 pick, because it takes a special skill to turn 11 solid played games into 32 million dollars.)

35. Rick Mahorn, Washington Bullets, 1980.
How could I not put the “Baddest Bad Boy of them all” down as the No. 35 All-Time Sports Pad Pick?

34. Carlos Boozer, Cleveland Cavs, 2002.
A solid post player who can finish at the rim with either hand. He screwed over the Cavs owner (allegedly) by asking to be let out of his contract, in order to sign for a bigger deal with the Cavs, instead he signed with Jazz for an even larger deal then the Cavs could offer. Karma got him back by hampering him with constant injuries.

Other No. 34 notables:
Mario Chalmers, Heat, 2008.

Bust Pick at 34:
Khalid El-Amin, Bulls, 2000. Want to know why Khalid El-Amin is a bust just Google “Khalid El-Amin” and “Sandwich.”

33. Kevin Duckworth, San Antonio Spurs, 1986.
He was one of four All-Stars selected in the second round of the 1986 “Drug” Draft (the first round only had one). He won the Most Improved Player in 1988 and is probably the best “00” of All-Time.

(Sports Pad Editor Note: I just re-read this and can't believe I wrote that Duckworth is the best "00" of All-Time, when clearly it's Robert Parrish. No one wore "00" better than the Chief. That was dumb.)

Bust Pick at 33: Jay Edwards, Clippers, 1989. Edwards was an Indiana HS legend, leading Marion to three consecutive state titles. He went to Indiana University where he averaged 20 ppg as a sophomore and was an All-American. He left Indiana early and went on to play four games for the Clippers.

32. Rashard Lewis, Seattle Supersonics, 1998.
Lewis’ career got off to a most inauspicious start. As a high schooler trying to make the jump to the league, he was invited to sit in the green room during the 1998 Draft and waited and waited... and waited, with tears streaming down his face, he was finally selected. He’s spent the rest of his career trying to prove the doubters wrong.

31. Doc Rivers, Atlanta Hawks, 1983.
Doc, now the Celtics head coach, barely edges out Danny Ainge, now the Celtics GM. Do you think they have arguments about who was the better No. 31 pick? I’d like to think so.

1st Round

30. Gilbert Arenas, Golden State Warriors, 2001.
Agent Zero is the most eccentric No. 30 pick of All-Time; yelling “Hibachi” after every shot, he had his home modified to simulate a high altitude climate in hopes to give himself more energy and once he took a shower in full uniform... at halftime.

29. Eddie Johnson, Kansas City Kings, 1981.
Johnson played nearly 1,200 games while having a career scoring average of 16 ppg.

Other No. 29 notables: Josh Howard, Mavs, 2004. PJ Brown, Nets, 1994. Toni Kukoc, Bulls, 1990.

28. Tony Parker, San Antonio Spurs, 2001.
Mr. Longoria was one of many late round steals by the Spurs.

27. Dennis Rodman, Detroit Pistons, 1986.
If Arenas is the most eccentric No. 30 pick, than Rodman is the most eccentric player of All-Time. He reinvented the art of rebounding and was a seven time Rebounding Champ. To add to his accolades he was a five time NBA Champ, two time Defensive Player of the Year and seven time All-Defensive First Team.

26. Vlade Divac, Los Angeles Lakers, 1989.
This Serbian chain-smoking center is the preeminent flopper. He brought flopping to a new level and he openly admitted to it. Divac was also a pretty good player becoming one of four players to ever amass 13,000 points, 9,000 rebounds, 3,000 assists and 1,500 blocks. Can you name the other three?

Bust Pick at 26: Ndudi Ebi, Timberwolves, 2003.
Ebi was the T’Wolves first first-round pick in three years, due to illegal contract dealings with Joe Smith and prep star Ebi did everything to disappoint.

25. Mark Price, Dallas Mavericks, 1986.
Traded to the Cavs after the draft. Price was a small, slow point guard who defied the doubters to become a four time All-Star and the NBA’s career leader in free throw percentage (.904).

Other No. 25 notables:
Jeff Ruland, Warriors, 1980.

24. Latrell Sprewell, Golden State Warriors, 1992.
Unfortunately, most people will remember Spree for choking out P.J. Carlesimo and being outraged the 21 million dollars wasn’t enough to "feed his family." We forget that Spree was a four time All-Star and once went 9 for 9 from three point land.

Other No. 24 notables:
Sam Cassell, Rockets, 1993. Derek Fisher, Lakers, 1996.

23. A.C. Green, Los Angeles Lakers, 1985.
A.C. Green is a freak of nature. He is basketball’s equivalent to Cal Ripken, Jr. playing in 1,192 consecutive NBA games. What’s even more amazing than that is Green, a well-known Christian, remained a virgin throughout his entire NBA career. Beat that Cal!

22. Reggie Lewis, Boston Celtics, 1987.
In six seasons he was already an established player just entering the prime of his career; not enough words can be said about the all-too-early loss of Reggie Lewis.

21. Michael Finley, Phoenix Suns, 1995.
An athletic shooting swingman, he was best known for his Dallas “run and gun” days alongside Dirk Nowitzki and Steve Nash.

Bust Picks at 21:
Pavel Podkolzine, Jazz, 2004. Joe Forte, Celtics, 2001. Dontae Jones, Knicks, 1996.

20. Larry Nance, Phoenix Suns, 1982.
Nance was the inaugural winner of the NBA Slam Dunk Contest. He averaged 17 points, 8 rebounds and over 2 blocks a game over thirteen seasons of work.

19. Rod Strickland, New York Knicks, 1988.
Rod got much criticism because his game was so effortless he always appeared like he was loafing. It wasn't the case though as Strickland is currently eighth on the all-time assist leaders. (Steve Nash should catch him next season, barring injury.)

18. Joe Dumars, Detroit Pistons, 1985.
I grew up in the Detroit area and Joe D was my favorite player. Why? Because the Pistons toughest opponents were the Bulls and Michael Jordan and Jordan said the toughest defender he faced in the NBA was Joe Dumars. For that he’s gotta be the No. 18 All-Time Sports Pad Pick.

17. Shawn Kemp, Seattle Supersonics, 1989.
The Reign Man was one of the most physical players during the nineties. Every dunk was like an assault on the rim. It’s hard to believe he never won a dunk contest.

16. John Stockon, Utah Jazz, 1984.
The greatest assist man of my generation, he led the league in assists nine straight years and perfected the pick-n-roll. He’s the NBA's career leader in assists with 15,806 (5,472 more then second place) and steals (3,265). An All-Star in three different decades, Stockton was recently inducted in the NBA’s Hall of Fame.

Bust Pick at 16:
Troy Bell, Celtics, 2003. One of Boston College’s best players and two time Big East Player of the Year, but something went seriously wrong during his transition to the NBA and he only managed to play one season, appearing in six games.

15. Steve Nash, Phoenix Suns, 1996.
Ironically, it was Nash’s second stint with the Suns that brought him to prominence. That and the D’Antoni’s “seven-seconds or less” offense which allowed him to win two consecutive MVP trophies.

Bust Pick at 15:
Frederic Weis, Knicks, 1999. 7’2” Weis is remembered for two things: never playing a single minute in the NBA and being a rest for Vince Carter’s coin purse.

14. Clyde Drexler, Portland Trailblazers, 1983.
A silky, smooth athlete Clyde the Glide was the most important piece of the dominant Trailblazers teams of the late eighties and early nineties. A ten time all-star, Drexler was named one of the NBA’s 50 Greatest players in 1996.

Other No. 14 notables:
“Thunder” Dan Majerle, Suns, 1988. Tim Hardaway, Warriors, 1989.

13. Kobe Bryant, Charlotte Hornets, 1996.
I bet the Hornets would love to have this draft night trade back, trading Bryant to the Lakers for No. 26 All-Time Sports Pad Pick Vlade Divac. Say what you will about Kobe, the single most polarizing athlete of my generation is an eleven time All-Star, seven time NBA First Team, seven time NBA All-Defensive First team, four time NBA Champ, two time NBA Scoring Champ, Slam Dunk Champ and NBA MVP.

Bust Pick at 13:
Marcus Haislip, Bucks, 2003. Haislip wowed lottery teams with his size, speed and shooting ability, he turned one good season at Tennessee into a lottery pick and three seasons in the NBA.

12. Mookie Blaylock, New Jersey Nets, 1989.
At No.12 there wasn’t a whole lot of good picks, let alone great picks, but Mookie saved the day. Not only does he have an awesome sounding name, Mookie Blaylock, his name was almost the band name of Pearl Jam. No one else can say they were once the name of a Seattle grunge rock band. Rumors that Nirvana was originally named Dwayne Schintzius have yet to be proven.

11. Reggie Miller, Indiana Pacers, 1987.
Pacers fans booed this pick, but the slight, unorthodox shooting Miller went on to become the NBA’s All-Time leader in 3-Pt Field Goals made. He’ll be most remembered for his battles with the Knicks (and Spike Lee) earning him the local nickname “Knick Killer.”

10. Paul Pierce, Boston Celtics, 1998.
It’s unbelievable to imagine that Robert Traylor, Jason Williams and Larry Hughes were all drafted before Pierce, but that’s exactly what happened. Shaq gave Pierce the nickname “The Truth” in 2001. That’s the best endorsement you could possibly have and one reason why Pierce in the No. 10 All-Time Sports Pad Pick.

9. Dirk Nowitzki, Milwaukee Bucks, 1998.
Traded to the Mavs for Robert Traylor on draft night, in possibly one of the worst draft night trades of All-Time, Nowitzki has revolutionized the big man position. At seven feet tall he can shoot, handle, pass like a guard, while still being able mix it up and rebound. Ever since Nowitzki has emerged, every other NBA team has searched for a similar big man with his unique set of skills.

Other No. 9 notables:
Rolando Blackman, Mavs, 1981. Tracy McGrady, Raptors, 1997. Amare Stoudemire, Suns, 2002.

8. Tom Chambers, San Diego Clippers, 1981.
Chambers is most remembered for his days with the Suns. He, along with Kevin Johnson, led the high scoring Suns, but they were unable to win an NBA title, only sniffing the Finals once during the twilight of their careers. He had an absolutely sick dunk over Mark Jackson.

7. Chris Mullin, Golden State Warriors, 1985.
Alcoholism could have been the downfall for this spot-up shooting wing, but he entered rehab in 1988 and rejuvenated his career. Mullin became one of the hardest workers in the NBA, going on to average 25+ points in five consecutive seasons, a five time All-Star and a member of the Dream Team.

Bust Pick at 7:
Roy Tarpley, Mavs, 1986. This highly skilled post player battled drugs and alcohol throughout his career. Poor training habits led to constant injury and two bans from NBA (one permanent in 1995) ended his career.

6.
See this is where that 30-year caveat interfered with this list. Because the best pick at No. 6 came in 1978 when the Boston Celtics selected Larry Bird. Instead we’re forced to put Hersey Hawkins as the... you know what? Screw it, I make the rules around here I can break them. Larry Bird, Boston Celtics, 1978.

Bust Pick at 6:
William Bedford, Suns, 1986. Yet again the Drug Draft claims another victim. His career was over in 1993, never even touching his full potential.

5. Kevin Garnett, Minnesota Timberwolves, 1995.
I gotta give him the edge over Charles Barkley because KG was able to win a title when the “Round Mound of Rebound” never could.

Other No. 5 notables:
Sidney Moncrief, Bucks, 1979. Scottie Pippen, Bulls, 1987. Dwyane Wade, Heat, 2005.

Bust Pick at 5:
Nikoloz Tskitishvili, Nuggets, 2002. This is where the quest for the next Dirk clouded the judgement of a team. Tskitishvili was drafted purely on potential even though had had barely played for his Italian team.

4. Chris Paul, New Orleans Hornets, 2005.
I know it might be too soon to call him the best No. 4 pick of the last thirty years, but barring any injury he should end up in the discussion of best point guard of All-Time.

3. Michael Jordan, Chicago Bulls, 1984.
Was there any question?

Other No. 3 notables: Kevin McHale, Celtics, 1980. Dominique Wilkins, Hawks, 1982. Pau Gasol, Hawks (traded to Grizzlies), 2001

Bust Pick at 3: Chris Washburn, Warriors, 1986. Darius Miles, Clippers, 2000. Adam Morrison, Bobcats, 2006.

2. Jason Kidd, Dallas Mavericks, 1994.
I know this selection might come as a surprise, especially with player like Isiah Thomas, Gary Payton and Alonzo Mourning at No. 2. Kidd is a triple-double machine, third All-Time in career triple-doubles with 103. He’s a player who includes everyone on his team; if you’re open J-Kidd will find you.

Bust Pick at 2: It is a tie between Darko Milicic, Pistons, 2003 and Sam Bowie, Trailblazers, 1984. What really makes accentuates these picks is not just their terrible play, but the players that were picked after them. For Darko it was: Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, David West, Josh Howard and Mo Williams. All of them All-Stars. For Bowie it was: Jordan, Barkley, Alvin Robertson, Otis Thorpe, Kevin Willis and John Stockton. (Sidebar note: If you look at the 1984 draft, it’s weird. Through the first twelve picks, all the odd picks went on to be All-Stars, Hall of Famers or both. The even picks? All busts.)

1. Magic Johnson, Los Angeles Lakers, 1979. First we must thank local sports Fred Stabley Jr., for giving Earvin Johnson his iconic nickname. Stabley could tell, at the early age of fifteen, that Magic was going to be special. To list his credentials or stats doesn’t even begin to encapsulate his career or the ambassador he was to the game. He made the big shot when it counted and he made the right pass when it was needed. Teammates loved him, opponents loved him and his million dollar smile could light up any room. When I think about Magic Johnson I think this is the best way to sum him up; in a game that is measured, largely, by how many times you can put the ball through the hoop, he made passing cool.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Check out the Bee, man...

Since Bill Simmons does a running diary on the major sporting events like the NBA Draft or the Super Bowl, I thought I’d try my hand at a writing a running diary on the Scripps National Spelling Bee, because it would be the sports journalist equivalent. Let’s see how this goes.

The 2009 Scripps National Spelling Bee Running Diary

7:08 a.m. - We’re getting these great little informational packages about our Bee contestants. Here we meet Josephine Kao and opens with her sitting in the Mork from Ork Egg Chair. What we learned about Ms. Kao is she’s 14, she thinks bullying isn’t cool and she likes peek-a-boo. Great work, ESPN!

7:10 - Josephine Kao gets her word “myriarch” and dives right into the veteran hand writing move, then in a bit of gamesmanship she continues to drop some knowledge on the judges and tell them, not ask them, what the root definitions are. To cap it off, she’s doesn’t even to wait to hear if she’s right or not after she answers; no she just smiles and walks off. Only dropping the mic, Randy Watson style, would have shown more confidence. I like Ms. Kao already.

7:11 - They say this kid is only 13!!!! He’s about 6’10” and his voice is about an octave deeper than mine. You know how they say baseball players have been growing out their hair and beards to hide their enlarged heads. Well, this kids got both. A blonde mop-top and some facial hair. I need some HGH test results on Mr. Alex Wells.

7:17 - Erin Andrews just reported that she ran into some of the kids at the pool yesterday, I imagine it played out the pool scene from Caddyshack, when Lacey Underall showed up.

7:32 - Another informative piece on one our spellers, Kyle Mou. Sitting in the Mork from Ork chair he tells us that he doesn’t really like spelling and that he thinks it’s boring to study. He just does it because he said his parents will ship him back to China if he doesn’t win. Just kidding, I made that last part up. Maybe.

7:35 - I’ve just realized how many nine to thirteen year-olds there are, that are all smarter than me. The number is waaaayyy larger than I thought coming into the Bee.

7:44 - Another informative package, on Sidharth Chand. Chand handles the Mork from Ork chair like a veteran. He sits in their cross-legged not phased by the lights at all. Sid then goes on to tell us he’s really into Reggae and his favorite reggae artist is Bob Marley because “he’s the first, the best and the only one.” Then he rolled up a spliff and told us that Jah will provide him the answers. Chand is also from Michigan. I like this kid as my early favorite.

7:49 - Erin Andrews pulls aside Bee contestant Serena Skye Laine-Lobsinger for our first sideline report of the morning. I’m glad to see that not only do athletes use the same tired cliches, but so do spelling bee contestants. We learn that Serena tries to stay poised when she’s up on stage, that she spells each word like it’s her last and she relies on her training and hard work to get her through the tough times.

Do we really need sideline reporting? If you replaced the words “stage” and “word” with “court” and “game” and told me that Tyler Hansbrough said that last sentence. I would totally believe it. Now some of you are saying, “Hey, Paul what about the hers and the she’s?” Even with those in there I'd still believe it came from Hansbrough. I said it!

8:00 - The competitions youngest challenger, nine year-old Sriram Hathwar, gets the “DING!” As he mistakenly replaces the “e” in fodient with an “a.” Classic rookie mistake, but that’s okay, even Michael Jordan had to pay his dues before he won it all. I feel like we’ll be seeing a lot more of Sriram in competitions to come; I’m calling it now I think he’ll win in 2014.

8:18 - I gotta say I’m seeing a lot of mustaches on these spellers... If we find out, years later, that some of my spelling heros were caught using P.E.Ds; I’d be devastated. It would be like the Barry Bonds home run record all over.

This got me to thinking, “What other possible scandals could we see from the Spelling Bee?”

1. Transmitters - What would be easier? Teaching your kid millions of different words, and word origins or teaching your kid Morse Code, hooking he/she up with a transmitter and sitting in the back of the room with a dictionary. You could dot-dot-dash your way to a $41,000 in cash and prizes!
2. Identical Twins - Twice the spellers tackling half the dictionary. The key is you have to slide them in-and-out during commercial break. That would be tough considering how many eyes there are on the event.

(I would love to hear from you on other ways you could cheat at the Bee. Email me and I’ll mention them in the next post.)

8:27 - Fourteen year-old Andrew Traylor (no relation to Robert “Tractor” Traylor) steps up to the mic and the analyst informs us that Andrew, like most of the competitors, began reading at a very young age and at eight he read a book about how to be a good parent. He then told his parents what they were doing wrong as parents. I’m not kidding.

If that was my kid, my comeback would be “Well, I just read a book called ‘What makes a child annoying?’ and you’re doing everything perfect!”

8:36 - ROUND 5. Or as I like to call it “The round that separates the dweebs from the nerds.”

8:42 - Noooooooooooo! Josephine Kao goes down like a ton of bricks. Ugh. My early favorite to win it has been ousted. Some of kids even give her a standing “O.” It’s any home-schooled kids game now.

8:44 - Thank you, Alex Wells for easing the pain from losing Kao. You subtly shifted awkward heavy breathing into an imitation of Darth Vader. Well, played sir. Unfortunately all your joking may have cost you the “Bee.” We’ve now had four straight “Dings!” to start Round 5.

Oh! As Mr. Wells walks off I figured out who he reminded me of, Robert Swift minus the tattoos and athleticism. Okay, just the tats.

8:56 - Veronica Penny reminds me of a young, Rebecca Sealfon. The way she throws her face into her hands, to visualize the word, makes me incredibly nervous, I think she might faint.

8:59 - With seven of the first eight kids getting dinged, tension is starting to mount on the faces of these kids. The only thing now that could make these kids more anxious is if the moderator asked them to partner up for the mid-round couples dance.

9:09 - Cold blooded!! Serena Skye Laine-Lobsinger just pulled out a miracle spelling “hircocervus.” I thought she was doomed. If the Bee adopted an American Idol style voting system to determine the winner, Serena would totally get the Adam Lambert vote.

Note: I love every time I type one of these kids words in, the spell checker marks them as incorrectly spelled. Even spell checker thinks these words are gibberish.

9:11 - We finally get introduced to the person who has been writing the sentences for the word use and I would have bet it was some hack comedy writer, like Bruce Vilanch, but no it’s Carolyn Andrews. But watch out Vilanch, Carolyn Andrews is coming for your spot on Hollywood Squares. Carolyn Andrews for the block! (Thanks to Super Dave for helping me out with that one.)

9:20 - I love me some Kennyi Aouad! He’s brimming with confidence; smiling, upbeat and when they gave him the word “voussoir” instead of giving the standard “oh, crap” eye roll that most kids give, he exclaimed “oooooh, yeah!” Then he went and knocked it out of the park. This kids an entertainer. I fully expect him to come out next round and do the LeBron resin toss before his word.

9:30 - If Avvinash Radakrishnan can get through spelling his name correctly then he can handle any word they throw at him.

9:31 - OH! Radakrishnan just crushed his word and threw a big ole’ fist-pump! If he wins it all do you think we’ll see that in an NBA-esque, slow motion, black and white commercial. Scripps National Spelling Bee: Where enumeration happens...

9:44 - Tino Cusi Delamerced throws out a Hail Mary answer on “deloul” with one tick left on the timer!!!! Delamerced, the pride of Cincinnati, isn’t the only one who can hit a buzzer-beater, LeBron.

9:57 - Carolyn Andrews has officially jumped the shark with the last sentence of
“Kalium, I hardly knew ‘em.” Yuck. Seriously, Vilanch watch your back.

10:01 - Aditya Chemudupaty gets the word “poivrade” which means a peppery sauce. I know think who much funnier CT’s (from Real World: Paris) fight mantra of “I’m gonna pepper yo sauce,” would have been if CT used the word “poivrade” instead.

10:07 - Round 5 comes to a close and it turned out to be a murderous one for our kids. Twenty kids got the “Ding!”, leaving sixteen competitors to battle for the crown of "Least Likely to Date in High School."

10:14 - Joey Crawford just called a foul on Kyle Mou; Mou’s upset with the call and he gets hit with a technical! Sorry, I’m getting my sports mixed up here, but the way the NBA refs have been calling the playoffs, you believed that last sentence for a split second.

10:33 - Tim Ruiter finishes out the last semifinal round giving us eleven kids in the finals. Whew, that was stressful, I’m going to take a nap, shower and carb-load for the Finals tonight on ABC. In case you’re wondering, I’m totally rooting for Kennyi Aouad and Sid Chand (because he’s from Michigan). I’m currently working on Aouad-Chand puppet commercial in case they meet in the final round.

A brief interlude before you start the second half of the post:



Now enjoy the rest of the diary, because... It's not Detroit!

8:00 p.m. - Tom Bergeron introduces the contestant, to which they all come out in a single file line and have to dap (fist-bump) the cameraperson, who has a Bee on his/her fist. Then they got in a circle, put a hand in a did a “One, two, three... SPELL!” I’m NOT making this up. I haven’t seen such awkward interactions since Ryan Seacrest attempted a High Five.

8:01 - According to Stimulus Package rules, all events must mention President Obama and hope. If you want your money, you’ve got to mention it.

Seriously, what does President Obama have to do with a spelling bee?

8:17 - Everyone has really stepped up their game tonight, no one has even gotten the Ding! yet...

8:23 - Tussah Heera looks nervous; it’s her first time at the Bee and I think the big stage may claim its first victim... that and having to spell “herniorrhaphy.”

8:24 - And she goes down; missing out on the double-R. One of the commentators said, about Heera, “She was trying to be the first winner ever from Nevada.” You got that right! I’ve been to Vegas, there are no winners; only drinking on the street and prostitution fliers. That's my Vegas.

8:27 - Kennyi Aouad strikes again! When Erin Andrews asks him about his confidence and sticks the microphone toward him, Kennyi rips it out of her hand and starts to answer her. If he starts talking in third person and asks Erin out on a date, I’m gonna adopt this kid.

8:38 - Ewwww. The first audience faux pas of the evening. They gave Serena Skye Laine-Lobsinger a premature applause before she got the dreaded Ding! Say goodnight my sweet Emo princess, your hipster hairdo will be missed.

8:50 - They just showed a “get-to-know-you” package on Kavya Shivashankar and I got to tell you this little girl is all business. She’s been a finalist four straight years (she has the tools), she knows her Bee history (which means she understands the moment and her relevance in it), she’s motivated by a former winner Nupur Lala (she’s hungry to win), watches the documentary Spellbound (she has a sense of humor) and she had the best quote by telling Erin Andrews that “you aren’t competing against the other kids, you’re competing against the dictionary” (savvy veteran move). All these kids are good at this stage, but Kavya stands out increasingly as the competition goes on.

8:54 - Down goes Chand! Down goes Chand! Down goes Chand! My main man from Michigan, Sid Chand, goes down on “apodyterium.” Last year Chand tied for second and him getting the “Ding!” is huge. All the other kids know it too, they give Chand a standing ovation as he walks off. The door has just opened a little more...

8:59 - We just finished round eight and we have seven spellers left... I need to take a walk around the block. This is stressful.

9:07 - Kyle Mou has got ice in his veins! This is how an average Kyle Mou round goes:

Kyle heads to the mic looking like he might have just woke up from a nap, ratchets down the mic because he’s about five-feet tall, repeats the word, about, twice, spells it in, about, ten-seconds, heads back to his chair for nap. Unbelievable. I will refer to him from now on as Big Daddy Kyle Mou.

9:21 - Start of round ten, still seven kids left... I’m left a little uneasy as we come back from commercial break and I see Kennyi Aouad signing autographs; don’t go T.O. on me now Kennyi. If he starts telling people to get their popcorn ready, we’re in trouble.

9:25 - After eleven straight correct answers, Tom Bergeron and Paul Loeffler, our two commentators, are openly calling upon the jinx Gods with Aishwarya Pastapur as she gets the word “xebec.” When was the last time you saw two grown men rooting for the failure of a thirteen year-old? Clearly, these guys want to go home.

9:26 - She’s not going down without a fight you two! Pastapur fights off “xebec” and Bergeron has to cancel his dinner reservations.

9:41 - We got our first misspelled word in sixteen attempts, if we go on a run here Bergeron may still be able to get a table.

9:47 - All my favorites are going down; Kennyi Aouad goes out on “palatschinken.” You did try your best and made me laugh, which is hard to do. The Bee feels a little flat now.

9:57 - Four competitors left and Big Daddy Kyle Mou steps to the plate and whiffs on “schizaffin.” My two favorites left (Aouad and BDKM) have gone out... I don’t know how I’m going to handle the Bee without them.

9:58 - Loeffler just tells us that if all the three other kids miss their words, they’ll start another round and Big Daddy Kyle Mou will be back in. And guess who’s up? Aishwarya Pastapur. You are now about to see three grown men openly root against a thirteen year-old.

9:59 - Damn! Nicely done, Pastapur. But I think my fiancee was wondering why I was yelling to the thirteen year-old on TV “Noonan! Miss it!” Not one of my finer moments.

10:01 - Three spellers left, Aishwarya Pastapur, Kavya Shivashankar and Tim Ruiter. Loeffler explains to us that we now move to the Championship Word List, which consists of 25 words and if all the kids spell those 25 words correctly we could have a co-champions. Bergeron just ran down to the stage to get a better jinxin’ spot.

10:13 - With her childhood friend (Pastapur) getting the Ding! Kavya Shivashankar goes out and leaves no doubt in anyones mind that she’s here to win this thing. She was all over “phoresy” like a spider-monkey. Now all that stands in her way of becoming the Scripps National Spelling Bee Champ is Tim Ruiter. Poor bastard.

10:15 - Here we go, Tim Ruiter gets the Ding! Now it comes down to just like Kavya said,“she’s competing against the dictionary.” One word stands in her way of becoming Bee Champion. Poor word.

10:17 - Boom goes the “Laodicean.” Congrats to Scripps National Spelling Bee Champion Kavya Shivashankar and to all the kids participating in the 2009 Scripps National Spelling Bell.

With nearly six hours of running diary, I hope you enjoyed. Now I’m going to be spelling everything I see for the next two weeks.