For those of you who follow MMA fighting you might have heard of Kevin Casey and if you haven't you will now. Because Casey has issued a warning, in rap form, to all those who may fight him.
Now I've watched this video a couple times and it is horrible, so I suggest turning the volume down when you watch it. Also, there is "cameo" so baffling in this video, The Sports Pad can't make heads or tails of it. So here it is:
That's right, it's Spencer Pratt. SPENCER PRATT. Spencer. Pratt. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!
So, let me get this straight, Casey, you want to be viewed as 'hard' so you put, in your 'crew', a borderline reality star, whose only real talent is getting made fun of on The Soup. What!?!
Even, Spencer doesn't think he belongs in the video. Just look at the way he moves around in this video like he is afraid if he steps on someones shoe he's going to get a beat down. And what's with the sunglass move Spence? We know it's you; you stick out like a sore, publicity whoring, thumb. There is no way we could mistake you for one of Casey's crew. Unbelievable.
To top it all of the videos ends with "To Be Continued..." You know where I'd like this to continue? For the next MMA pay-per-view, let's line up Casey and Pratt to fight in tag-team match against Fedor Emelianenko. I would pay one hundred American dollars to watch that bloodbath.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
Not again Stu!
For those of you who may or may not know who I’m talking about in my title, I’m referring to Stu Jackson who is the Executive Vice President of Basketball Operations for the NBA. You might as well call him the Judge, Jury and Executioner of Basketball Operations, because they way he’s been levying penalties and suspension I can’t make heads or tails of his rulings.
Usually, I’m silent when it comes to suspensions or fines. I’ll usually accept them; sometimes I raise an eyebrow if something doesn’t quite resonate with me, but hey who am I? These league officials know the letter of the law and I’m just a fan who doesn’t much about the intimate details of Article IV, Section 8: Player conduct rules for the Strip Club (by the way that was my best imitation of a lawyer. Just call me Frank Abernathy).
This recent judgement (or lack of) regarding Kobe Bryant’s elbow to Ron Artest, is the straw that broke my back. How do does Jackson not suspend Kobe for a game? If the rule (and I’m paraphrasing) is a player gets an automatic suspension for throwing an elbow to the “Head and Neck” area of another player, then how does Kobe only get issued a Flagrant-1? (Dwight Howard was issued a game suspension for his elbow to Samuel Dalembert’s dome. Granted Howard’s elbow was thrown at the head and down, and Kobe’s elbow was thrown up and toward the neck.)
Where did Stu think Kobe’s elbow hit, was it not “neck” enough for him? Which leads me to my next question, where does the neck end and the chest begin? How did Ron Artest get called for a foul on a play where he caught an elbow to the much debated area? Finally, how is it right or fair to not call a foul on Kobe and then after reviewing the play issue him a Flagrant-1? See what you’ve done to me Stu, you’ve left me confused and, what is most important, you’ve left me debating the “end of a neck” instead of thinking about basketball.
I’m confused by the rulings of Jackson and the NBA because there seems to be little consistency to their judgements. Some rules are viewed as black and white issues, like when players leave the bench during an altercation they are automatically suspended and some rules are left up to interpretation, like this elbow-gate. However, the root of the problem isn’t with NBA front office or Stu Jackson or David Stern.
The root of the problem is the officiating. It’s the officials job to monitor play and make the calls as it happens. They are the first response to any incident on the court and they levy the first ruling, then the league can take a look a what happened and issue fines and suspensions. If the NBA is constantly reevaluating the calls on the court, what does that say about the three person officiating crew.
Not to say that they’re doing a bad job, because, for a three person officiating team, they handle it well, but clearly they’re undermanned. Because often, the officials continue to “leave the door open” for League officials to come in and alter rulings on what happened on the court. To me that says there aren’t enough officials on the court to catch everything that is going on at the speed that it’s happening.
If you look at the other major professional sports (NFL, MLB, NHL), none of them officiate their games with fewer than four officials. Of those three sports mentioned, Football has the highest player to official ratio at 3.1:1 (22 players, 7 refs). Basketball is 3.3:1. I know it might not sound like a big difference, but when you think about the regimented play of football versus the fluid motion of basketball, add the transitional speed of basketball and the fact that there are four fewer eyes to catch everything that happens with the possibility of not being in positions to make the call, it can make a big difference.
So if you’re reading David Stern, and I know he reads because he emails The Sports Pad, usually with messages like “I don’t know who you are, please stop referring to us as ‘Bro’s for life’.” “No, I will not come play golf with you and your friend Booger and I’ll have to take your word on the size of his pimp hand.”
But seriously Dave, my brotha from anotha motha, you need to change your officiating crews. Do us all a favor and give basketball fans what we crave: consistency. That’s all we want, because no matter how much attention it brings to the NBA, it taints the sport that we all want to see played at the most fair, highest level of competition.
Usually, I’m silent when it comes to suspensions or fines. I’ll usually accept them; sometimes I raise an eyebrow if something doesn’t quite resonate with me, but hey who am I? These league officials know the letter of the law and I’m just a fan who doesn’t much about the intimate details of Article IV, Section 8: Player conduct rules for the Strip Club (by the way that was my best imitation of a lawyer. Just call me Frank Abernathy).
This recent judgement (or lack of) regarding Kobe Bryant’s elbow to Ron Artest, is the straw that broke my back. How do does Jackson not suspend Kobe for a game? If the rule (and I’m paraphrasing) is a player gets an automatic suspension for throwing an elbow to the “Head and Neck” area of another player, then how does Kobe only get issued a Flagrant-1? (Dwight Howard was issued a game suspension for his elbow to Samuel Dalembert’s dome. Granted Howard’s elbow was thrown at the head and down, and Kobe’s elbow was thrown up and toward the neck.)
Where did Stu think Kobe’s elbow hit, was it not “neck” enough for him? Which leads me to my next question, where does the neck end and the chest begin? How did Ron Artest get called for a foul on a play where he caught an elbow to the much debated area? Finally, how is it right or fair to not call a foul on Kobe and then after reviewing the play issue him a Flagrant-1? See what you’ve done to me Stu, you’ve left me confused and, what is most important, you’ve left me debating the “end of a neck” instead of thinking about basketball.
I’m confused by the rulings of Jackson and the NBA because there seems to be little consistency to their judgements. Some rules are viewed as black and white issues, like when players leave the bench during an altercation they are automatically suspended and some rules are left up to interpretation, like this elbow-gate. However, the root of the problem isn’t with NBA front office or Stu Jackson or David Stern.
The root of the problem is the officiating. It’s the officials job to monitor play and make the calls as it happens. They are the first response to any incident on the court and they levy the first ruling, then the league can take a look a what happened and issue fines and suspensions. If the NBA is constantly reevaluating the calls on the court, what does that say about the three person officiating crew.
Not to say that they’re doing a bad job, because, for a three person officiating team, they handle it well, but clearly they’re undermanned. Because often, the officials continue to “leave the door open” for League officials to come in and alter rulings on what happened on the court. To me that says there aren’t enough officials on the court to catch everything that is going on at the speed that it’s happening.
If you look at the other major professional sports (NFL, MLB, NHL), none of them officiate their games with fewer than four officials. Of those three sports mentioned, Football has the highest player to official ratio at 3.1:1 (22 players, 7 refs). Basketball is 3.3:1. I know it might not sound like a big difference, but when you think about the regimented play of football versus the fluid motion of basketball, add the transitional speed of basketball and the fact that there are four fewer eyes to catch everything that happens with the possibility of not being in positions to make the call, it can make a big difference.
So if you’re reading David Stern, and I know he reads because he emails The Sports Pad, usually with messages like “I don’t know who you are, please stop referring to us as ‘Bro’s for life’.” “No, I will not come play golf with you and your friend Booger and I’ll have to take your word on the size of his pimp hand.”
But seriously Dave, my brotha from anotha motha, you need to change your officiating crews. Do us all a favor and give basketball fans what we crave: consistency. That’s all we want, because no matter how much attention it brings to the NBA, it taints the sport that we all want to see played at the most fair, highest level of competition.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Top Ten Sports Logos (kinda)
So I wanted to do a post about the best Sports Logos, but as I was going through all the different logos I kept finding incredibly odd ones. It was way more entertaining to look at the ridiculous logos than the established ones. So, The Sports Pad gives you his Top Ten Oddest Sports Logos.
10. Ft. Wayne Pistons, 1942-48, NBA
I love this logo because it makes me think that during the 1940s there was absolutely zero imagination. That everything was, literally, like the movie Pleasantville. We're the Pistons, so our logo should be a man made of pistons. Lock it down.
Plus, The confused emotion on this man of pistons is great. His eyes say he's pissed, but his mouth is laughing. That'll keep your opponents on their toes.
Just in case you were confused by the "Z" on his chest; the owner of the clubs last name was Zollner.
9. Columbia Lions, 1957-70, NCAA
Is this supposed to be one of those 3-D posters? I see a dove... and I'm nauseous. Which school President commissioned some hippy art student to design this? However the more I stare at this (the closer I keep a spoon nearby, so I don't swallow my tongue), the more I'm beginning to think this logo is genius. What's the best defense for a University with horrible athletics? A seizure inducing logo to render your opponents useless. Forfeit Championship!
(Side Bar Note: Was I the only one who could never see those 3-D posters?)
8. San Antonio Gunslingers, 1984-85, USFL
This logo was brought to you by the same people who illustrated Schoolhouse Rock! Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of your rivals and their fans like the skinniest, dirt 'stachiest, rootin', tootin' hombre in all of San Antonio.
7. Lexington Legends, 2001-Pres., South Atlantic League (Baseball)
From the thinnest mustache to the fullest, I give you Smuggy McSmuggerville. What is he smirking at? I have expect their to be a dialogue bubble above his head that reads "That's your sister... She makes good eggs... because I slept with her." OR "Now that you've met the man... Care to meet the Legend?" You could do this all day; trust me I have.
6. Tulsa Drillers, 2004-Pres., Texas League (Baseball)
Sooooo... The guy drills through the ball because he hits it so hard? Nope. Is the guy stabbing the ball with his drill, in a double-fisted manner, to intimidate? No. Oh wait, no, the drill looks like penis? That's right folks The Sports Pad has just made two consecutive Minor League Baseball Penis Logo jokes. I'm on fire!
5. Anaheim Mighty Ducks, 1994-2006, NHL
See this is exactly why the NHL is the red-headed stepchild of professional sports; they allowed an expansion team to adopt it's name from a popular Disney film, staring the mighty duck man, EMILIO! Would the NBA or the NFL ever allow this marketing disaster happen? I mean what adult would by the Mighty Ducks merchandise? What a terrible idea.
4. Shreveport Steamer, 1975, World Football League
This logo isn't all that odd or funny, but thank God this team wasn't from Cleveland.
3. Montgomery Biscuits, 2004-Pres., Southern League (Baseball)
A BISCUIT!?!? Really, you couldn't come up with a better idea than that? Did the team owner come up with the name during breakfast at Denny's? So we can make two biscuits the head, give him some eyes and we're done. Oooh, we could give him a pad of butter for a tongue. Let's play some baseball!
However, this does make way for the greatest slogan in sports history. Montgomery Baseball: Sop it up with a biscuit!
2. Kansas State Wildcats, 1985-88, NCAA
Alright, so whoever came up with this logo completely decided to abandon the fact that the Kansas State mascot is a Wildcat. The cat part they got right, but it looks like a house cat, there is nothing wild about this cat. I mean if this logo was from the '40s or '50s I would chalk it up to lack of imagination, but this logo was made in the '80s. The '80s Wildcat should've been wearing a wide collared shirt only buttoned to his navel, snorting cocaine and heading off to the discotech flanked by prostitutes. Now that's a wildcat!
And why is he pooping an "R"?
1.) Calgary Rad'z, 1993-94, Roller Hockey International
I can only imagine the advertising firm that came up this name and logo. It probably had two last names like Anderson-Martin and they said things like "Calgary is bleak dreary place and we want to make it pop." "Our market research tells us that kids respond to short, hip exclamations." "Our market research also tells us kids hate proper spelling and punctuation." And from that the Calgary Rad'z were born. What a totally tubular, bogus name.
I'm off like a prom dress to go peg my jeans. Sike!
10. Ft. Wayne Pistons, 1942-48, NBA
I love this logo because it makes me think that during the 1940s there was absolutely zero imagination. That everything was, literally, like the movie Pleasantville. We're the Pistons, so our logo should be a man made of pistons. Lock it down.
Plus, The confused emotion on this man of pistons is great. His eyes say he's pissed, but his mouth is laughing. That'll keep your opponents on their toes.
Just in case you were confused by the "Z" on his chest; the owner of the clubs last name was Zollner.
9. Columbia Lions, 1957-70, NCAA
Is this supposed to be one of those 3-D posters? I see a dove... and I'm nauseous. Which school President commissioned some hippy art student to design this? However the more I stare at this (the closer I keep a spoon nearby, so I don't swallow my tongue), the more I'm beginning to think this logo is genius. What's the best defense for a University with horrible athletics? A seizure inducing logo to render your opponents useless. Forfeit Championship!
(Side Bar Note: Was I the only one who could never see those 3-D posters?)
8. San Antonio Gunslingers, 1984-85, USFL
This logo was brought to you by the same people who illustrated Schoolhouse Rock! Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of your rivals and their fans like the skinniest, dirt 'stachiest, rootin', tootin' hombre in all of San Antonio.
7. Lexington Legends, 2001-Pres., South Atlantic League (Baseball)
From the thinnest mustache to the fullest, I give you Smuggy McSmuggerville. What is he smirking at? I have expect their to be a dialogue bubble above his head that reads "That's your sister... She makes good eggs... because I slept with her." OR "Now that you've met the man... Care to meet the Legend?" You could do this all day; trust me I have.
6. Tulsa Drillers, 2004-Pres., Texas League (Baseball)
Sooooo... The guy drills through the ball because he hits it so hard? Nope. Is the guy stabbing the ball with his drill, in a double-fisted manner, to intimidate? No. Oh wait, no, the drill looks like penis? That's right folks The Sports Pad has just made two consecutive Minor League Baseball Penis Logo jokes. I'm on fire!
5. Anaheim Mighty Ducks, 1994-2006, NHL
See this is exactly why the NHL is the red-headed stepchild of professional sports; they allowed an expansion team to adopt it's name from a popular Disney film, staring the mighty duck man, EMILIO! Would the NBA or the NFL ever allow this marketing disaster happen? I mean what adult would by the Mighty Ducks merchandise? What a terrible idea.
4. Shreveport Steamer, 1975, World Football League
This logo isn't all that odd or funny, but thank God this team wasn't from Cleveland.
3. Montgomery Biscuits, 2004-Pres., Southern League (Baseball)
A BISCUIT!?!? Really, you couldn't come up with a better idea than that? Did the team owner come up with the name during breakfast at Denny's? So we can make two biscuits the head, give him some eyes and we're done. Oooh, we could give him a pad of butter for a tongue. Let's play some baseball!
However, this does make way for the greatest slogan in sports history. Montgomery Baseball: Sop it up with a biscuit!
2. Kansas State Wildcats, 1985-88, NCAA
Alright, so whoever came up with this logo completely decided to abandon the fact that the Kansas State mascot is a Wildcat. The cat part they got right, but it looks like a house cat, there is nothing wild about this cat. I mean if this logo was from the '40s or '50s I would chalk it up to lack of imagination, but this logo was made in the '80s. The '80s Wildcat should've been wearing a wide collared shirt only buttoned to his navel, snorting cocaine and heading off to the discotech flanked by prostitutes. Now that's a wildcat!
And why is he pooping an "R"?
1.) Calgary Rad'z, 1993-94, Roller Hockey International
I can only imagine the advertising firm that came up this name and logo. It probably had two last names like Anderson-Martin and they said things like "Calgary is bleak dreary place and we want to make it pop." "Our market research tells us that kids respond to short, hip exclamations." "Our market research also tells us kids hate proper spelling and punctuation." And from that the Calgary Rad'z were born. What a totally tubular, bogus name.
I'm off like a prom dress to go peg my jeans. Sike!
Friday, May 1, 2009
The Sports Pad All-Nickname Teams
I’ve learned two things as The Sports Pad:
1.) I’ve seen what you get when you mess with a Warrior and I want no part of it.
2.) When a reader requests an article, you should probably do it.
So when the Warrior requested I do an article about my All-Nickname Team, I thought I should do it. The only real criteria that I have for my All-Nickname Team is that I didn’t want to put the super obvious choices. So no Magic, Pistol, Mean Joe, Mr. Hockey, Pudge or Satchel. Also, no initials. So LT, A-Rod and MJ are all out too.
Without further ado, I give you the SPORTS PAD ALL-NICKNAME TEAMS:
(I’ve taken the liberty to break them down by sports category. Enjoy!)
Basketball
Caron Butler, "Tuff Juice" - Because that's what's coursing through his veins... Tuff Juice. Wizard fans, you can order a really cool Tuff Juice T-shirt here.
Vinnie “Microwave” Johnson - Because he heats up in an instant. I watched many a Microwave scoring jag as a youth in Detroit.
Fred Hoiberg “The Mayor” - Hoiberg got this nickname because of his popularity on-campus at Iowa State and because his hometown is Ames, Iowa (Iowa State’s locale).
Jerome Williams, “The Junk Yard Dog” - He goes after rebounds like a junk yard dog.
Ricky Davis, “Get Buckets” - Why “Get Buckets”? Because that’s what Ricky does, get buckets. Davis has also started the “Buckets Brigade” were he buys 10 season tickets and distributes them to fans. While researching Davis’ nickname I found this wikipedia entry (all you need to read is the last sentence), which for any other player I would have immediately discounted the entry. But with Ricky, I thought about for second. That could be his motto...
Marvin Barnes, “Bad News” - An all-world talent who was always getting into trouble off the court. His drug addiction wasted a large portion of his career, bouncing him in-and-out of rehab facilities. However, he is now clean and counsels youth in the Providence, Rhode Island.
Channing Frye, “Buffet of Goodness” - When Frye was asked to describe his basketball talents he replied that he’s a “buffet of goodness” because he can do many things well.
Larry Nance, “The High-Ayatolla of Slamola” - Nance got this nickname after winning the NBA’s first dunk contest in 1984.
Basketball Nickname MVP:
Bill Mlkvy “The Owl without a Vowel” - I love this one. Again, the marriage between name and school works perfectly. Mlkvy played college ball at Temple University, nicknamed the Owls. Mlkvy once scored 54 straight points without a teammate scoring. Just get out of Klqrtndzx’s way and let him get buckets.
Football
Craig “Ironhead” Heyward - At 5’11” 250 (some reports he got up to 300+), Ironhead was one of the best “big backs” in the game. He also had an enormous head at 8 3/4.
Christian “Nigerian Nightmare” Okoye - Born in Nigeria, he had size (6’1” - 260), strength and the speed to be an absolute nightmare for opposing teams to bring down. Also this dude was a beast in Tecmo Bowl.
Gayle Sayers, “The Kansas Comet” - Sayers has been tabbed as one footballs best open field runners. He could have been one of the statistical greats if his career hadn’t been cut short by injuries. Just to let you know how much of an impact he made on the game he was the youngest player ever inducted to the Hall of Fame and he only played five seasons.
Elroy “Crazy Legs” Hirsch - Elroy got his name because he had a weird, gyrating running style. He also is the only University Michigan athlete to letter in four sports, football, baseball, track and basketball.
Calvin Johnson, “Megatron” - I’m a Lions fan and a fan of ‘80s alien robot cartoons.
Ron Mix, “The Intellectual Assassin” - Who says football players are dumb? Mix had a Juris Doctor degree from USC. He was a pretty good offensive lineman, too, getting called for only two holding penalties in 10 years.
Dave Fennell, “Dr. Death” - Fennell was a defensive tackle, who played in the Canadian Football League from 1974-83. He lead Edmonton to five straight Grey Cups championships and was the Most Outstanding Canadian in 1979. I think we should have an award like that here in America. Most Outstanding American. I’d like to nominate myself, The Sports Pad, for this inaugural award.
Chuck Bednarik, “Concrete Charlie” - If Tuff Juice was a nickname is the ‘50s and ‘60s, that might have been this guys name, but since it wouldn’t have made sense back then he went by Concrete Charlie. He played Linebacker and Center and was a concrete salesman during the offseason. Bednarik, always outspoken has some of the best quotes regarding modern-era football players and their toughness. Calling them “pussyfoots” who “couldn’t tackle my wife Emma.” No report what Emma’s 40-time was; I’ll keep looking though.
Karl Mecklenburg, “The Albino Rhino” - Just a big, white dude who wouldn’t stop until he has tackled you.
Victor “Macho” Harris - Word is that, Harris got his nickname from his dad when he was two years old. Ever since I’ve heard that story I’ve always wondered, “What did Harris do that made him think ‘damn, that kid is macho’?” Did he ask for a highball of scotch? Start a brawl in the nursery? Then I came across a photo from his childhood, here.
Lester “The Molester” Hayes - Was one of many characters one those late ‘70s Raiders teams. He was known for his physical style of coverage on wide receivers, which earned him the nickname that he hated so much. Hayes was also a huge Star Wars fan calling himself the “only true Jedi” in the NFL. But I don’t think that was the case, because if he was a Jedi couldn’t he have just waved his hand in front of the WR’s face and say “You don’t need to catch any passes today.” I don’t need to catch any passes today...
Football Nickname MVP:
Jared Lorenzen, “Round Mound of Touchdown”, “Hefty Lefty”, “BBQ - Big Beautiful Quarterback”, and “He Ate Me” - Lorenzen has all the ingredients for a nickname; size (he’s 300 lb.), odd position for that size (QB), southern playfulness. It’s the perfect storm for a nickname. Lorenzen has really had a Hall of Fame Nickname career, you’ve got ones that rhyme, acronyms, word play. It’s all there.
Hockey
Chris Nilan, “Knuckles” - The dude loved to fight, so he took up hockey. Nilan is why the joke on hockey is “I went to a fight and a Hockey game broke out.” I love his career numbers, too. Goals: 110. Assists: 115. Penalty Minutes: 3043.
Pat Verbeek, “The Little Ball of Hate” - 5’9” and full of rage. You know you’re a pest when your own teammates give you that nickname. He was a tough dude too, in ’85 his thumb was cut off in an auger accident; NHL games missed: 0.
Ken Linseman, “The Rat” - Linseman had a special talent for annoying the opposition, so much so he earned the nickname “The Rat.” Oh and he looked like a rat too.
Nikolai Khabibulin, “The Bulin Wall” - Perhaps the best goalie nickname you could possible have.
Curtis Joseph, “CuJo” - I know I said no initials, but when the initials form the name of fictional, rabid St. Bernard, who goes on a killing spree and can’t be stopped, well I’ll make an exception.
Sid Abel, “Old Bootnose” - He had a nose that looked like a boot. What?
Hockey Nickname MVP:
Stu Grimson, “The Grim Reaper” - 6’6”, 240 lb. His entire career he played the role of the enforcer. Mess with his teams best player and The Grim Reaper is coming for you.
Baseball -
Willie Jones, “Puddin’ Head” - Puddin’ head showed up when it mattered, this Phillie has six career grand slams.
Steve Lyons, “Psycho” - Lyons once slid into third base and without realizing there were fans in the stands or TV cameras broadcasting the game, he pulled down his pants to get the dirt out of them.
James “Cool Papa” Bell - A speed demon from the Negro Leagues, stories and legends about “Cool Papa” are just unbelievable, that he could run the bases in 12 seconds or that he would have made Jesse Owens look like he was walking. One of the most well known anecdotes is from Satchel Paige who said he was "so fast he can turn off the light and be in bed before the room gets dark." Bell came very close to being the Baseball Nickname MVP.
Andre Dawson, “The Hawk” - I loved this Cubbie growing up, but I have no idea why his nickname is “The Hawk”? Can anyone answer this for me? Anyway, it’s a pretty cool nickname.
Charlie Gehringer, “The Mechanical Man” - A consistent ball player who had two streaks of 500 games played in his career. It was said "just wind him up on opening day and for get about him."
Lenny Dykstra, “Nails” - As in “tough as...” Nails was just a hard charging, chew spitting ball player who slid head first into your heart.
Cecil Fielder, “Wild Bear” - Fielder got this name in Japan because of his enormous size.
Baseball Nickname MVP:
Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown - Mordecai’s nickname just wasn’t a gimmick, it was a lifestyle. As a kid, he lost parts of two fingers due to a farming accident. He went on to become a pretty good pitcher and his disability actually helped his pitching. Mordecai also had pretty awesome hair.
Miscellaneous Sports:
Soccer -
“One Size” Fitz Hall
Duncan Ferguson (Drunken Ferguson/Duncan Disorderly)
Boxing -
Thomas “The Hitman” Hearns
Vinny Paz “The Pazmanian Devil”
Chuck Wepner "The Bayonne Bleeder"
Mike McCallum “The Body-Snatcher”
1.) I’ve seen what you get when you mess with a Warrior and I want no part of it.
2.) When a reader requests an article, you should probably do it.
So when the Warrior requested I do an article about my All-Nickname Team, I thought I should do it. The only real criteria that I have for my All-Nickname Team is that I didn’t want to put the super obvious choices. So no Magic, Pistol, Mean Joe, Mr. Hockey, Pudge or Satchel. Also, no initials. So LT, A-Rod and MJ are all out too.
Without further ado, I give you the SPORTS PAD ALL-NICKNAME TEAMS:
(I’ve taken the liberty to break them down by sports category. Enjoy!)
Basketball
Caron Butler, "Tuff Juice" - Because that's what's coursing through his veins... Tuff Juice. Wizard fans, you can order a really cool Tuff Juice T-shirt here.
Vinnie “Microwave” Johnson - Because he heats up in an instant. I watched many a Microwave scoring jag as a youth in Detroit.
Fred Hoiberg “The Mayor” - Hoiberg got this nickname because of his popularity on-campus at Iowa State and because his hometown is Ames, Iowa (Iowa State’s locale).
Jerome Williams, “The Junk Yard Dog” - He goes after rebounds like a junk yard dog.
Ricky Davis, “Get Buckets” - Why “Get Buckets”? Because that’s what Ricky does, get buckets. Davis has also started the “Buckets Brigade” were he buys 10 season tickets and distributes them to fans. While researching Davis’ nickname I found this wikipedia entry (all you need to read is the last sentence), which for any other player I would have immediately discounted the entry. But with Ricky, I thought about for second. That could be his motto...
Marvin Barnes, “Bad News” - An all-world talent who was always getting into trouble off the court. His drug addiction wasted a large portion of his career, bouncing him in-and-out of rehab facilities. However, he is now clean and counsels youth in the Providence, Rhode Island.
Channing Frye, “Buffet of Goodness” - When Frye was asked to describe his basketball talents he replied that he’s a “buffet of goodness” because he can do many things well.
Larry Nance, “The High-Ayatolla of Slamola” - Nance got this nickname after winning the NBA’s first dunk contest in 1984.
Basketball Nickname MVP:
Bill Mlkvy “The Owl without a Vowel” - I love this one. Again, the marriage between name and school works perfectly. Mlkvy played college ball at Temple University, nicknamed the Owls. Mlkvy once scored 54 straight points without a teammate scoring. Just get out of Klqrtndzx’s way and let him get buckets.
Football
Craig “Ironhead” Heyward - At 5’11” 250 (some reports he got up to 300+), Ironhead was one of the best “big backs” in the game. He also had an enormous head at 8 3/4.
Christian “Nigerian Nightmare” Okoye - Born in Nigeria, he had size (6’1” - 260), strength and the speed to be an absolute nightmare for opposing teams to bring down. Also this dude was a beast in Tecmo Bowl.
Gayle Sayers, “The Kansas Comet” - Sayers has been tabbed as one footballs best open field runners. He could have been one of the statistical greats if his career hadn’t been cut short by injuries. Just to let you know how much of an impact he made on the game he was the youngest player ever inducted to the Hall of Fame and he only played five seasons.
Elroy “Crazy Legs” Hirsch - Elroy got his name because he had a weird, gyrating running style. He also is the only University Michigan athlete to letter in four sports, football, baseball, track and basketball.
Calvin Johnson, “Megatron” - I’m a Lions fan and a fan of ‘80s alien robot cartoons.
Ron Mix, “The Intellectual Assassin” - Who says football players are dumb? Mix had a Juris Doctor degree from USC. He was a pretty good offensive lineman, too, getting called for only two holding penalties in 10 years.
Dave Fennell, “Dr. Death” - Fennell was a defensive tackle, who played in the Canadian Football League from 1974-83. He lead Edmonton to five straight Grey Cups championships and was the Most Outstanding Canadian in 1979. I think we should have an award like that here in America. Most Outstanding American. I’d like to nominate myself, The Sports Pad, for this inaugural award.
Chuck Bednarik, “Concrete Charlie” - If Tuff Juice was a nickname is the ‘50s and ‘60s, that might have been this guys name, but since it wouldn’t have made sense back then he went by Concrete Charlie. He played Linebacker and Center and was a concrete salesman during the offseason. Bednarik, always outspoken has some of the best quotes regarding modern-era football players and their toughness. Calling them “pussyfoots” who “couldn’t tackle my wife Emma.” No report what Emma’s 40-time was; I’ll keep looking though.
Karl Mecklenburg, “The Albino Rhino” - Just a big, white dude who wouldn’t stop until he has tackled you.
Victor “Macho” Harris - Word is that, Harris got his nickname from his dad when he was two years old. Ever since I’ve heard that story I’ve always wondered, “What did Harris do that made him think ‘damn, that kid is macho’?” Did he ask for a highball of scotch? Start a brawl in the nursery? Then I came across a photo from his childhood, here.
Lester “The Molester” Hayes - Was one of many characters one those late ‘70s Raiders teams. He was known for his physical style of coverage on wide receivers, which earned him the nickname that he hated so much. Hayes was also a huge Star Wars fan calling himself the “only true Jedi” in the NFL. But I don’t think that was the case, because if he was a Jedi couldn’t he have just waved his hand in front of the WR’s face and say “You don’t need to catch any passes today.” I don’t need to catch any passes today...
Football Nickname MVP:
Jared Lorenzen, “Round Mound of Touchdown”, “Hefty Lefty”, “BBQ - Big Beautiful Quarterback”, and “He Ate Me” - Lorenzen has all the ingredients for a nickname; size (he’s 300 lb.), odd position for that size (QB), southern playfulness. It’s the perfect storm for a nickname. Lorenzen has really had a Hall of Fame Nickname career, you’ve got ones that rhyme, acronyms, word play. It’s all there.
Hockey
Chris Nilan, “Knuckles” - The dude loved to fight, so he took up hockey. Nilan is why the joke on hockey is “I went to a fight and a Hockey game broke out.” I love his career numbers, too. Goals: 110. Assists: 115. Penalty Minutes: 3043.
Pat Verbeek, “The Little Ball of Hate” - 5’9” and full of rage. You know you’re a pest when your own teammates give you that nickname. He was a tough dude too, in ’85 his thumb was cut off in an auger accident; NHL games missed: 0.
Ken Linseman, “The Rat” - Linseman had a special talent for annoying the opposition, so much so he earned the nickname “The Rat.” Oh and he looked like a rat too.
Nikolai Khabibulin, “The Bulin Wall” - Perhaps the best goalie nickname you could possible have.
Curtis Joseph, “CuJo” - I know I said no initials, but when the initials form the name of fictional, rabid St. Bernard, who goes on a killing spree and can’t be stopped, well I’ll make an exception.
Sid Abel, “Old Bootnose” - He had a nose that looked like a boot. What?
Hockey Nickname MVP:
Stu Grimson, “The Grim Reaper” - 6’6”, 240 lb. His entire career he played the role of the enforcer. Mess with his teams best player and The Grim Reaper is coming for you.
Baseball -
Willie Jones, “Puddin’ Head” - Puddin’ head showed up when it mattered, this Phillie has six career grand slams.
Steve Lyons, “Psycho” - Lyons once slid into third base and without realizing there were fans in the stands or TV cameras broadcasting the game, he pulled down his pants to get the dirt out of them.
James “Cool Papa” Bell - A speed demon from the Negro Leagues, stories and legends about “Cool Papa” are just unbelievable, that he could run the bases in 12 seconds or that he would have made Jesse Owens look like he was walking. One of the most well known anecdotes is from Satchel Paige who said he was "so fast he can turn off the light and be in bed before the room gets dark." Bell came very close to being the Baseball Nickname MVP.
Andre Dawson, “The Hawk” - I loved this Cubbie growing up, but I have no idea why his nickname is “The Hawk”? Can anyone answer this for me? Anyway, it’s a pretty cool nickname.
Charlie Gehringer, “The Mechanical Man” - A consistent ball player who had two streaks of 500 games played in his career. It was said "just wind him up on opening day and for get about him."
Lenny Dykstra, “Nails” - As in “tough as...” Nails was just a hard charging, chew spitting ball player who slid head first into your heart.
Cecil Fielder, “Wild Bear” - Fielder got this name in Japan because of his enormous size.
Baseball Nickname MVP:
Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown - Mordecai’s nickname just wasn’t a gimmick, it was a lifestyle. As a kid, he lost parts of two fingers due to a farming accident. He went on to become a pretty good pitcher and his disability actually helped his pitching. Mordecai also had pretty awesome hair.
Miscellaneous Sports:
Soccer -
“One Size” Fitz Hall
Duncan Ferguson (Drunken Ferguson/Duncan Disorderly)
Boxing -
Thomas “The Hitman” Hearns
Vinny Paz “The Pazmanian Devil”
Chuck Wepner "The Bayonne Bleeder"
Mike McCallum “The Body-Snatcher”
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