The Sports Pad All-Time NBA Draft

1979 was an eventful year. It gave us the Iran Hostage Crisis, Pope John Paul II became the first Pope to visit the White House and Voyager I reveals for the first time photos of Jupiter’s rings. Pittsburgh is on top of the sporting world as the Steelers won Super Bowl XIII and the Pirates defeated the Orioles to win the World Series (Looks like things really are cyclical; the Steelers and Penguins both won championships in 2009). “My Sharona” by The Knack becomes number one on the Billboard Charts, for six weeks, signifying the death of Disco. It gave us the first Star Trek movie (Star Trek: The Motion Picture), Kramer vs. Kramer wins the Oscar for Best Picture and Jim Henson made The Muppet Movie. The Chicago White Sox promotion “Disco Demolition Night” became the worst baseball fan riot since "Ten Cent Beer Night" in 1974. Sweeney Todd and Evita made their Broadway premieres. Chrysler asked the Government for a billion dollar loan (See what I’m talking about things being cyclical). Both ESPN and The Sports Pad made their introductions to the world. Coincidence? I think not.

To celebrate my thirty years of life and one of my favorite sporting events, the NBA draft, I thought I would give you The Sports Pad All-Time NBA Draft over the last 30 years. For sixty picks, The Sports Pad will give the best picks (and some of the bust picks) from the past thirty years of NBA drafts.

I will now start the list in reverse order to build anticipation...

Can you feel it???

2nd Round

60. This one is an easy one considering that more often than not the last pick of the draft barely (if ever) makes the squad, recently the pick has been used to snag an up-and-coming European prospect and leaving them to play overseas while they cultivate their skills. Never do they become Hall of Fame players... unless that player is Drazen Petrovic. The Portland Trailblazers drafted Drazen Petrovic in 1986. Making his debut in ’89, Petrovic only played four NBA seasons, (unfortunately he was killed in a car accident in 1993) but his affect the game had global repercussions. To this day, Petrovic has the fourth best career 3PT field goal percentage (.437).

59. Sedric Toney, Atlanta Hawks, 1985. Um, there’s not much here at 59. However of all the No. 59 picks (there are only 15, drafts from ’88 to ’03 only had between 54 and 58 total picks) Toney was the only one to play more than one season. That’s a little Sports Pad Lemonade for you.

58. Kurt Rambis, New York Knicks, 1980. Now I know what you’re saying Rambis played for the Lakers and you’re right he did, but he was drafted by the Knicks, cut by the Knicks and went on to play in Greece for a year before signing with the Lakers. It was there where he became a fan favorite with his all out hustle and thick black rimmed glasses, even famous Lakers announcer Chick Hearn dubbed him “Superman.” So sorry, Shaq and Dwight Howard, Rambis was the original Superman.

57. Manu Ginobili, San Antonio Spurs, 1999. Ginobili, or as Charles Barkley would call him “GINOOOOBLEEE,” has become on of the best clutch players in the NBA today.

Other No. 57 notables: Franks Brickowski, Knicks, 1981.

56. Ramon Sessions, Milwaukee Bucks, 2007. Sessions was an early entry candidate in the ’07 NBA draft and that choice could have proved to be career suicide considering he was barely drafted. Sessions hung around and has proved to be a late round steal for the Bucks, he had a franchise record 24 assists in 2008 and he posted a triple double against the Lakers in 2009.

55. Luis Scola, San Antonio Spurs, 2002. Again the Spurs strike gold with an Argentine player late in round two. This time they weren’t able get the deal worked out with his Spanish team’s buyout, so in 2007, Scola was shipped off to Houston where he has had two good seasons for them, finishing third in the ’07 Rookie of the Year voting.

Bust pick at 55: Rick Rickert. Rickert was an early entry candidate as a sophomore. His credentials were: First team All-Big Ten (2003), Big Ten Freshman of the year (2002) and McDonald’s H.S. All-American (2001). Thinking he was going to be a first round pick, the closest he ever got to playing in the NBA was one season in the NBDL and getting sucker-punched by Kevin Garnett during a pick up game.

54. Sam Mitchell, Houston Rockets, 1985. Even though Mitchell was drafted by the Rockets, he didn’t get a chance to play ball in the NBA until 1989 when he signed with the expansion team, the Minnesota Timberwolves.

53. Anthony Mason, Portland Trailblazers, 1988. Again, we see a player getting drafted, cut by that team, then going overseas to get a little seasoning to their game. Mason will be remembered most for being a muscular hybrid forward, rugged defender for the Knicks during the Pat Riley era (that and his haircuts). He has won a Sixth Man of the year award, All-Defensive Second team, and All-NBA Third team. He was also an All-Star replacement for injured Grant Hill in 2001.

52. Fred Hoiberg, Indiana Pacers, 1995. This pick came down to Rasual Butler and ‘The Mayor’ Fred Hoiberg. Hoiberg gets the edge because of his better shooting and nearly 450 more assists than Butler in only 66 more games. Plus, Hoiberg once received a write-in vote for his hometown of Ames, Iowa mayoral race giving him that awesome nickname.

Other No. 52 notables: Rasual Butler, Heat, 2002. Jarron Collins, Jazz, 2001.

51. Kyle Korver, New Jersey Nets, 2003. Traded to the 76ers for cash on draft night this Ashton Kutcher doppleganger has been sharpshooting the ladies hearts ever since.

50. Steve Kerr, Phoenix Suns, 1988. Speaking of sharpshooters, Kerr might be considered the best ever with a career 3PT field goal percentage (.454) that is the best of all-time. Throw in his five championship rings and that iconic image of him draining the game clinching bucket during the 1997 NBA finals and you have the best No. 50 pick.

49. See this is when having the last 30-years caveat makes this list difficult because the best overall No. 49 pick could have been two time All-Star ‘Fast’ Eddie Johnson, if he wasn’t drafted in 1977. However, seeing as how this list is celebrating The Sports Pad’s 30 years on earth and the NBA draft the best No. 49 pick is Haywoode Workman. I have a feeling this might rear it’s ugly head again.

48. Cedric Ceballos, Phoenix Suns, 1990. We all remember Ceballos’ blindfold dunk that won him the 1992 Slam Dunk Title, but don’t forget what an efficient scorer he was posting a career FG% of .500.

Other No. 48 notables: Craig “Forever posterized by Michael Jordan” Ehlo, Rockets, 1983. Craig Hodges, San Diego Clippers, 1982.

47. Mo Williams, Utah Jazz, 2003. Again we see an early entry candidate who, despite getting drafted late in the second round, held strong and battled his way into the NBA. Now, Mo plays for the Cavs and gets a front row seat for the LeBron show every night.

Other No. 47 notables: Paul Millsap, Jazz, 2006. Vernon Maxwell, Spurs (best know for his work with the Rockets), 1988. Gerald Wilkins, Knicks, 1985.

46. Jeff Hornacek, Phoenix Suns, 1986. What can you say about Hornacek other than he was a solid pro who ended up with his jersey retired with the Jazz? The Jazz Announcer calls him “Horny. I don’t know why maybe I should ask one of his fourteen kids. (Just kidding, Hornacek has three kids.)

Other No. 46 notables: Voshon Lenard, Bucks, 1994. Jerome Kersey, Trailblazers, 1984.

Bust pick at 46: We’re triple dipping here at 46. Highly touted, Jamal Sampson played one season at Cal (even though he posted 6 pts and 6 rebs.) and then it was off to the NBA were he played for five teams in five seasons. But the best of the bust goes to Ousmane Cisse. This shot-blocking McDonalds All-American tried to go prep-to-pro but has yet to play in an NBA.

45. John “Hot Rod” Williams, Cleveland Cavs, 1985. His best season came in ’89 - ’90 when he went for nearly 17 ppg and 8 rpg.

44. Malik Rose, Charlotte Hornets, 1996. Rose is one of the first undersized PF’s to make a dent in the league. He contributed on two Spurs title teams before he was shipped off to basketball purgatory with the Knicks in 2005.

43. Michael Redd, Milwaukee Bucks, 2000. Here’s the deal, NBA, if you can shoot, you can shoot. Redd’s biggest knock was he wasn’t athletic enough to play in the league. Now he is an Olympic gold medal winner, an All-Star and a career 20 ppg scorer. So, to the NBA, don’t worry about a players physical limitations, because if a guy can shoot... he can shoot.

Other No. 43 notables: Trevor Ariza, Knicks, 2004. Eric Snow, Bucks, 1995. Chucky Brown, Cavs, 1989. Brown holds the record for most teams played for with twelve teams in thirteen years.

42. Stephen Jackson, Phoenix Suns, 1997. Here’s a guy who was a McDonalds All-American, who couldn’t qualify academically, spent a semester at a Community College and throws his name into the draft to see what happens. He bounced around lower level basketball leagues, before he hooked up with the Spurs, got a little seasoning and became a valuable member of the 2003 Spurs title team. That made him a sought after commodity. He signed with the Hawks and later traded to the Pacers, where he made his most memorable performance by leaping into the stands and drilling some kid in the face. Then he gets traded to the Warriors and became part of the greatest NBA playoff upsets beating the Mavs in 2007. Which leads me to the Jeopardy answer of this post “Dirk Nowitzki and Innocent-by-stander-watching-a-fight Guy both have nightmares about me.” Who is Stephen Jackson? I would love to read a biography about Stephen Jackson he has had, easily, the craziest career/life of any NBA player that I can think of.

Bust pick at 42: Chris Taft, Warriors, 2005. First round talent, second round heart. Came out after his sophomore season, but some questioned his drive and passion. During one pre-draft workout he cut it short because Ike Diogu was pushing him around “too” much. His career, was cut short by chronic back spasms.

41. Cuttino Mobley, Rockets, 1998. The “Cat” gets the nod at No. 41. He averaged 16 ppg for his career and is a noted fashionista. See, we don’t just talk sports at The Sports Pad.

40. Dino Radja, Boston Celtic, 1989. Radja was one moped accident away from getting bumped by Monta Ellis. Radja’s biggest achievement came in the Euroleague, as he was nominated to the 50 Greatest Euroleague Contributors.

Bust Pick at 40: Korleone Young, Pistons, 1998. The poster boy for the Anti-Prep-to-Pro campaign.

39. Rafer Alston, Milwaukee Bucks, 1998. Skip to My Lou has transitioned, to the NBA, better than any other streetballer to date. He still keeps in touch with his roots, occasionally showing up to And-1 events.

38. Doug West, Minnesota Timberwolves, 1989. West was an athletic defender and one of the first picks for the expansion Timberwolves.

37. Nick Van Exel, Los Angeles Lakers, 1993. Nick “the Quick” never saw a shot he didn’t like. He lived to take the big shot and came through on more than one occasion. Plus, he liked to up the degree of difficulty on his free throws, by standing about a foot behind the line.

Other No. 37 notables: Mehmet Okur, Pistons, 2001. Okur is an All-Star and he happens to be born on the exact day as The Sports Pad. It’s like he’s my Turkish twin.

36. Clifford Robinson, Portland Trailblazers, 1989. Was one of the first big guys to step out behind the three point line. At 6’10” he made over 1,200 threes during an eighteen year career. (Sports Pad note: I almost had to put Jerome James down as the best No. 36 pick, because it takes a special skill to turn 11 solid played games into 32 million dollars.)

35. Rick Mahorn, Washington Bullets, 1980. How could I not put the “Baddest Bad Boy of them all” down as the No. 35 All-Time Sports Pad Pick?

34. Carlos Boozer, Cleveland Cavs, 2002. A solid post player who can finish at the rim with either hand. He screwed over the Cavs owner (allegedly) by asking to be let out of his contract, in order to sign for a bigger deal with the Cavs, instead he signed with Jazz for an even larger deal then the Cavs could offer. Karma got him back by hampering him with constant injuries.

Other No. 34 notables: Mario Chalmers, Heat, 2008.

Bust Pick at 34: Khalid El-Amin, Bulls, 2000. Want to know why Khalid El-Amin is a bust just Google “Khalid El-Amin” and “Sandwich.”

33. Kevin Duckworth, San Antonio Spurs, 1986. He was one of four All-Stars selected in the second round of the 1986 “Drug” Draft (the first round only had one). He won the Most Improved Player in 1988 and is probably the best “00” of All-Time.

(Sports Pad Editor Note: I just re-read this and can't believe I wrote that Duckworth is the best "00" of All-Time, when clearly it's Robert Parrish. No one wore "00" better than the Chief. That was dumb.)

Bust Pick at 33: Jay Edwards, Clippers, 1989. Edwards was an Indiana HS legend, leading Marion to three consecutive state titles. He went to Indiana University where he averaged 20 ppg as a sophomore and was an All-American. He left Indiana early and went on to play four games for the Clippers.

32. Rashard Lewis, Seattle Supersonics, 1998. Lewis’ career got off to a most inauspicious start. As a high schooler trying to make the jump to the league, he was invited to sit in the green room during the 1998 Draft and waited and waited... and waited, with tears streaming down his face, he was finally selected. He’s spent the rest of his career trying to prove the doubters wrong.

31. Doc Rivers, Atlanta Hawks, 1983. Doc, now the Celtics head coach, barely edges out Danny Ainge, now the Celtics GM. Do you think they have arguments about who was the better No. 31 pick? I’d like to think so.

1st Round

30. Gilbert Arenas, Golden State Warriors, 2001. Agent Zero is the most eccentric No. 30 pick of All-Time; yelling “Hibachi” after every shot, he had his home modified to simulate a high altitude climate in hopes to give himself more energy and once he took a shower in full uniform... at halftime.

29. Eddie Johnson, Kansas City Kings, 1981. Johnson played nearly 1,200 games while having a career scoring average of 16 ppg.

Other No. 29 notables: Josh Howard, Mavs, 2004. PJ Brown, Nets, 1994. Toni Kukoc, Bulls, 1990.

28. Tony Parker, San Antonio Spurs, 2001. Mr. Longoria was one of many late round steals by the Spurs.

27. Dennis Rodman, Detroit Pistons, 1986. If Arenas is the most eccentric No. 30 pick, than Rodman is the most eccentric player of All-Time. He reinvented the art of rebounding and was a seven time Rebounding Champ. To add to his accolades he was a five time NBA Champ, two time Defensive Player of the Year and seven time All-Defensive First Team.

26. Vlade Divac, Los Angeles Lakers, 1989. This Serbian chain-smoking center is the preeminent flopper. He brought flopping to a new level and he openly admitted to it. Divac was also a pretty good player becoming one of four players to ever amass 13,000 points, 9,000 rebounds, 3,000 assists and 1,500 blocks. Can you name the other three?

Bust Pick at 26: Ndudi Ebi, Timberwolves, 2003. Ebi was the T’Wolves first first-round pick in three years, due to illegal contract dealings with Joe Smith and prep star Ebi did everything to disappoint.

25. Mark Price, Dallas Mavericks, 1986. Traded to the Cavs after the draft. Price was a small, slow point guard who defied the doubters to become a four time All-Star and the NBA’s career leader in free throw percentage (.904).

Other No. 25 notables: Jeff Ruland, Warriors, 1980.

24. Latrell Sprewell, Golden State Warriors, 1992. Unfortunately, most people will remember Spree for choking out P.J. Carlesimo and being outraged the 21 million dollars wasn’t enough to "feed his family." We forget that Spree was a four time All-Star and once went 9 for 9 from three point land.

Other No. 24 notables: Sam Cassell, Rockets, 1993. Derek Fisher, Lakers, 1996.

23. A.C. Green, Los Angeles Lakers, 1985. A.C. Green is a freak of nature. He is basketball’s equivalent to Cal Ripken, Jr. playing in 1,192 consecutive NBA games. What’s even more amazing than that is Green, a well-known Christian, remained a virgin throughout his entire NBA career. Beat that Cal!

22. Reggie Lewis, Boston Celtics, 1987. In six seasons he was already an established player just entering the prime of his career; not enough words can be said about the all-too-early loss of Reggie Lewis.

21. Michael Finley, Phoenix Suns, 1995. An athletic shooting swingman, he was best known for his Dallas “run and gun” days alongside Dirk Nowitzki and Steve Nash.

Bust Picks at 21: Pavel Podkolzine, Jazz, 2004. Joe Forte, Celtics, 2001. Dontae Jones, Knicks, 1996.

20. Larry Nance, Phoenix Suns, 1982. Nance was the inaugural winner of the NBA Slam Dunk Contest. He averaged 17 points, 8 rebounds and over 2 blocks a game over thirteen seasons of work.

19. Rod Strickland, New York Knicks, 1988. Rod got much criticism because his game was so effortless he always appeared like he was loafing. It wasn't the case though as Strickland is currently eighth on the all-time assist leaders. (Steve Nash should catch him next season, barring injury.)

18. Joe Dumars, Detroit Pistons, 1985. I grew up in the Detroit area and Joe D was my favorite player. Why? Because the Pistons toughest opponents were the Bulls and Michael Jordan and Jordan said the toughest defender he faced in the NBA was Joe Dumars. For that he’s gotta be the No. 18 All-Time Sports Pad Pick.

17. Shawn Kemp, Seattle Supersonics, 1989. The Reign Man was one of the most physical players during the nineties. Every dunk was like an assault on the rim. It’s hard to believe he never won a dunk contest.

16. John Stockon, Utah Jazz, 1984. The greatest assist man of my generation, he led the league in assists nine straight years and perfected the pick-n-roll. He’s the NBA's career leader in assists with 15,806 (5,472 more then second place) and steals (3,265). An All-Star in three different decades, Stockton was recently inducted in the NBA’s Hall of Fame.

Bust Pick at 16: Troy Bell, Celtics, 2003. One of Boston College’s best players and two time Big East Player of the Year, but something went seriously wrong during his transition to the NBA and he only managed to play one season, appearing in six games.

15. Steve Nash, Phoenix Suns, 1996. Ironically, it was Nash’s second stint with the Suns that brought him to prominence. That and the D’Antoni’s “seven-seconds or less” offense which allowed him to win two consecutive MVP trophies.

Bust Pick at 15: Frederic Weis, Knicks, 1999. 7’2” Weis is remembered for two things: never playing a single minute in the NBA and being a rest for Vince Carter’s coin purse.

14. Clyde Drexler, Portland Trailblazers, 1983. A silky, smooth athlete Clyde the Glide was the most important piece of the dominant Trailblazers teams of the late eighties and early nineties. A ten time all-star, Drexler was named one of the NBA’s 50 Greatest players in 1996.

Other No. 14 notables: “Thunder” Dan Majerle, Suns, 1988. Tim Hardaway, Warriors, 1989.

13. Kobe Bryant, Charlotte Hornets, 1996. I bet the Hornets would love to have this draft night trade back, trading Bryant to the Lakers for No. 26 All-Time Sports Pad Pick Vlade Divac. Say what you will about Kobe, the single most polarizing athlete of my generation is an eleven time All-Star, seven time NBA First Team, seven time NBA All-Defensive First team, four time NBA Champ, two time NBA Scoring Champ, Slam Dunk Champ and NBA MVP.

Bust Pick at 13: Marcus Haislip, Bucks, 2003. Haislip wowed lottery teams with his size, speed and shooting ability, he turned one good season at Tennessee into a lottery pick and three seasons in the NBA.

12. Mookie Blaylock, New Jersey Nets, 1989. At No.12 there wasn’t a whole lot of good picks, let alone great picks, but Mookie saved the day. Not only does he have an awesome sounding name, Mookie Blaylock, his name was almost the band name of Pearl Jam. No one else can say they were once the name of a Seattle grunge rock band. Rumors that Nirvana was originally named Dwayne Schintzius have yet to be proven.

11. Reggie Miller, Indiana Pacers, 1987. Pacers fans booed this pick, but the slight, unorthodox shooting Miller went on to become the NBA’s All-Time leader in 3-Pt Field Goals made. He’ll be most remembered for his battles with the Knicks (and Spike Lee) earning him the local nickname “Knick Killer.”

10. Paul Pierce, Boston Celtics, 1998. It’s unbelievable to imagine that Robert Traylor, Jason Williams and Larry Hughes were all drafted before Pierce, but that’s exactly what happened. Shaq gave Pierce the nickname “The Truth” in 2001. That’s the best endorsement you could possibly have and one reason why Pierce in the No. 10 All-Time Sports Pad Pick.

9. Dirk Nowitzki, Milwaukee Bucks, 1998. Traded to the Mavs for Robert Traylor on draft night, in possibly one of the worst draft night trades of All-Time, Nowitzki has revolutionized the big man position. At seven feet tall he can shoot, handle, pass like a guard, while still being able mix it up and rebound. Ever since Nowitzki has emerged, every other NBA team has searched for a similar big man with his unique set of skills.

Other No. 9 notables: Rolando Blackman, Mavs, 1981. Tracy McGrady, Raptors, 1997. Amare Stoudemire, Suns, 2002.

8. Tom Chambers, San Diego Clippers, 1981. Chambers is most remembered for his days with the Suns. He, along with Kevin Johnson, led the high scoring Suns, but they were unable to win an NBA title, only sniffing the Finals once during the twilight of their careers. He had an absolutely sick dunk over Mark Jackson.

7. Chris Mullin, Golden State Warriors, 1985. Alcoholism could have been the downfall for this spot-up shooting wing, but he entered rehab in 1988 and rejuvenated his career. Mullin became one of the hardest workers in the NBA, going on to average 25+ points in five consecutive seasons, a five time All-Star and a member of the Dream Team.

Bust Pick at 7: Roy Tarpley, Mavs, 1986. This highly skilled post player battled drugs and alcohol throughout his career. Poor training habits led to constant injury and two bans from NBA (one permanent in 1995) ended his career.

6. See this is where that 30-year caveat interfered with this list. Because the best pick at No. 6 came in 1978 when the Boston Celtics selected Larry Bird. Instead we’re forced to put Hersey Hawkins as the... you know what? Screw it, I make the rules around here I can break them. Larry Bird, Boston Celtics, 1978.

Bust Pick at 6: William Bedford, Suns, 1986. Yet again the Drug Draft claims another victim. His career was over in 1993, never even touching his full potential.

5. Kevin Garnett, Minnesota Timberwolves, 1995. I gotta give him the edge over Charles Barkley because KG was able to win a title when the “Round Mound of Rebound” never could.

Other No. 5 notables: Sidney Moncrief, Bucks, 1979. Scottie Pippen, Bulls, 1987. Dwyane Wade, Heat, 2005.

Bust Pick at 5: Nikoloz Tskitishvili, Nuggets, 2002. This is where the quest for the next Dirk clouded the judgement of a team. Tskitishvili was drafted purely on potential even though had had barely played for his Italian team.

4. Chris Paul, New Orleans Hornets, 2005. I know it might be too soon to call him the best No. 4 pick of the last thirty years, but barring any injury he should end up in the discussion of best point guard of All-Time.

3. Michael Jordan, Chicago Bulls, 1984. Was there any question?

Other No. 3 notables: Kevin McHale, Celtics, 1980. Dominique Wilkins, Hawks, 1982. Pau Gasol, Hawks (traded to Grizzlies), 2001

Bust Pick at 3: Chris Washburn, Warriors, 1986. Darius Miles, Clippers, 2000. Adam Morrison, Bobcats, 2006.

2. Jason Kidd, Dallas Mavericks, 1994. I know this selection might come as a surprise, especially with player like Isiah Thomas, Gary Payton and Alonzo Mourning at No. 2. Kidd is a triple-double machine, third All-Time in career triple-doubles with 103. He’s a player who includes everyone on his team; if you’re open J-Kidd will find you.

Bust Pick at 2: It is a tie between Darko Milicic, Pistons, 2003 and Sam Bowie, Trailblazers, 1984. What really makes accentuates these picks is not just their terrible play, but the players that were picked after them. For Darko it was: Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, David West, Josh Howard and Mo Williams. All of them All-Stars. For Bowie it was: Jordan, Barkley, Alvin Robertson, Otis Thorpe, Kevin Willis and John Stockton. (Sidebar note: If you look at the 1984 draft, it’s weird. Through the first twelve picks, all the odd picks went on to be All-Stars, Hall of Famers or both. The even picks? All busts.)

1. Magic Johnson, Los Angeles Lakers, 1979. First we must thank local sports Fred Stabley Jr., for giving Earvin Johnson his iconic nickname. Stabley could tell, at the early age of fifteen, that Magic was going to be special. To list his credentials or stats doesn’t even begin to encapsulate his career or the ambassador he was to the game. He made the big shot when it counted and he made the right pass when it was needed. Teammates loved him, opponents loved him and his million dollar smile could light up any room. When I think about Magic Johnson I think this is the best way to sum him up; in a game that is measured, largely, by how many times you can put the ball through the hoop, he made passing cool.

Check out the Bee, man...

Since Bill Simmons does a running diary on the major sporting events like the NBA Draft or the Super Bowl, I thought I’d try my hand at a writing a running diary on the Scripps National Spelling Bee, because it would be the sports journalist equivalent. Let’s see how this goes.

The 2009 Scripps National Spelling Bee Running Diary

7:08 a.m. - We’re getting these great little informational packages about our Bee contestants. Here we meet Josephine Kao and opens with her sitting in the Mork from Ork Egg Chair. What we learned about Ms. Kao is she’s 14, she thinks bullying isn’t cool and she likes peek-a-boo. Great work, ESPN!

7:10 - Josephine Kao gets her word “myriarch” and dives right into the veteran hand writing move, then in a bit of gamesmanship she continues to drop some knowledge on the judges and tell them, not ask them, what the root definitions are. To cap it off, she’s doesn’t even to wait to hear if she’s right or not after she answers; no she just smiles and walks off. Only dropping the mic, Randy Watson style, would have shown more confidence. I like Ms. Kao already.

7:11 - They say this kid is only 13!!!! He’s about 6’10” and his voice is about an octave deeper than mine. You know how they say baseball players have been growing out their hair and beards to hide their enlarged heads. Well, this kids got both. A blonde mop-top and some facial hair. I need some HGH test results on Mr. Alex Wells.

7:17 - Erin Andrews just reported that she ran into some of the kids at the pool yesterday, I imagine it played out the pool scene from Caddyshack, when Lacey Underall showed up.

7:32 - Another informative piece on one our spellers, Kyle Mou. Sitting in the Mork from Ork chair he tells us that he doesn’t really like spelling and that he thinks it’s boring to study. He just does it because he said his parents will ship him back to China if he doesn’t win. Just kidding, I made that last part up. Maybe.

7:35 - I’ve just realized how many nine to thirteen year-olds there are, that are all smarter than me. The number is waaaayyy larger than I thought coming into the Bee.

7:44 - Another informative package, on Sidharth Chand. Chand handles the Mork from Ork chair like a veteran. He sits in their cross-legged not phased by the lights at all. Sid then goes on to tell us he’s really into Reggae and his favorite reggae artist is Bob Marley because “he’s the first, the best and the only one.” Then he rolled up a spliff and told us that Jah will provide him the answers. Chand is also from Michigan. I like this kid as my early favorite.

7:49 - Erin Andrews pulls aside Bee contestant Serena Skye Laine-Lobsinger for our first sideline report of the morning. I’m glad to see that not only do athletes use the same tired cliches, but so do spelling bee contestants. We learn that Serena tries to stay poised when she’s up on stage, that she spells each word like it’s her last and she relies on her training and hard work to get her through the tough times.

Do we really need sideline reporting? If you replaced the words “stage” and “word” with “court” and “game” and told me that Tyler Hansbrough said that last sentence. I would totally believe it. Now some of you are saying, “Hey, Paul what about the hers and the she’s?” Even with those in there I'd still believe it came from Hansbrough. I said it!

8:00 - The competitions youngest challenger, nine year-old Sriram Hathwar, gets the “DING!” As he mistakenly replaces the “e” in fodient with an “a.” Classic rookie mistake, but that’s okay, even Michael Jordan had to pay his dues before he won it all. I feel like we’ll be seeing a lot more of Sriram in competitions to come; I’m calling it now I think he’ll win in 2014.

8:18 - I gotta say I’m seeing a lot of mustaches on these spellers... If we find out, years later, that some of my spelling heros were caught using P.E.Ds; I’d be devastated. It would be like the Barry Bonds home run record all over.

This got me to thinking, “What other possible scandals could we see from the Spelling Bee?”

1. Transmitters - What would be easier? Teaching your kid millions of different words, and word origins or teaching your kid Morse Code, hooking he/she up with a transmitter and sitting in the back of the room with a dictionary. You could dot-dot-dash your way to a $41,000 in cash and prizes!
2. Identical Twins - Twice the spellers tackling half the dictionary. The key is you have to slide them in-and-out during commercial break. That would be tough considering how many eyes there are on the event.

(I would love to hear from you on other ways you could cheat at the Bee. Email me and I’ll mention them in the next post.)

8:27 - Fourteen year-old Andrew Traylor (no relation to Robert “Tractor” Traylor) steps up to the mic and the analyst informs us that Andrew, like most of the competitors, began reading at a very young age and at eight he read a book about how to be a good parent. He then told his parents what they were doing wrong as parents. I’m not kidding.

If that was my kid, my comeback would be “Well, I just read a book called ‘What makes a child annoying?’ and you’re doing everything perfect!”

8:36 - ROUND 5. Or as I like to call it “The round that separates the dweebs from the nerds.”

8:42 - Noooooooooooo! Josephine Kao goes down like a ton of bricks. Ugh. My early favorite to win it has been ousted. Some of kids even give her a standing “O.” It’s any home-schooled kids game now.

8:44 - Thank you, Alex Wells for easing the pain from losing Kao. You subtly shifted awkward heavy breathing into an imitation of Darth Vader. Well, played sir. Unfortunately all your joking may have cost you the “Bee.” We’ve now had four straight “Dings!” to start Round 5.

Oh! As Mr. Wells walks off I figured out who he reminded me of, Robert Swift minus the tattoos and athleticism. Okay, just the tats.

8:56 - Veronica Penny reminds me of a young, Rebecca Sealfon. The way she throws her face into her hands, to visualize the word, makes me incredibly nervous, I think she might faint.

8:59 - With seven of the first eight kids getting dinged, tension is starting to mount on the faces of these kids. The only thing now that could make these kids more anxious is if the moderator asked them to partner up for the mid-round couples dance.

9:09 - Cold blooded!! Serena Skye Laine-Lobsinger just pulled out a miracle spelling “hircocervus.” I thought she was doomed. If the Bee adopted an American Idol style voting system to determine the winner, Serena would totally get the Adam Lambert vote.

Note: I love every time I type one of these kids words in, the spell checker marks them as incorrectly spelled. Even spell checker thinks these words are gibberish.

9:11 - We finally get introduced to the person who has been writing the sentences for the word use and I would have bet it was some hack comedy writer, like Bruce Vilanch, but no it’s Carolyn Andrews. But watch out Vilanch, Carolyn Andrews is coming for your spot on Hollywood Squares. Carolyn Andrews for the block! (Thanks to Super Dave for helping me out with that one.)

9:20 - I love me some Kennyi Aouad! He’s brimming with confidence; smiling, upbeat and when they gave him the word “voussoir” instead of giving the standard “oh, crap” eye roll that most kids give, he exclaimed “oooooh, yeah!” Then he went and knocked it out of the park. This kids an entertainer. I fully expect him to come out next round and do the LeBron resin toss before his word.

9:30 - If Avvinash Radakrishnan can get through spelling his name correctly then he can handle any word they throw at him.

9:31 - OH! Radakrishnan just crushed his word and threw a big ole’ fist-pump! If he wins it all do you think we’ll see that in an NBA-esque, slow motion, black and white commercial. Scripps National Spelling Bee: Where enumeration happens...

9:44 - Tino Cusi Delamerced throws out a Hail Mary answer on “deloul” with one tick left on the timer!!!! Delamerced, the pride of Cincinnati, isn’t the only one who can hit a buzzer-beater, LeBron.

9:57 - Carolyn Andrews has officially jumped the shark with the last sentence of
“Kalium, I hardly knew ‘em.” Yuck. Seriously, Vilanch watch your back.

10:01 - Aditya Chemudupaty gets the word “poivrade” which means a peppery sauce. I know think who much funnier CT’s (from Real World: Paris) fight mantra of “I’m gonna pepper yo sauce,” would have been if CT used the word “poivrade” instead.

10:07 - Round 5 comes to a close and it turned out to be a murderous one for our kids. Twenty kids got the “Ding!”, leaving sixteen competitors to battle for the crown of "Least Likely to Date in High School."

10:14 - Joey Crawford just called a foul on Kyle Mou; Mou’s upset with the call and he gets hit with a technical! Sorry, I’m getting my sports mixed up here, but the way the NBA refs have been calling the playoffs, you believed that last sentence for a split second.

10:33 - Tim Ruiter finishes out the last semifinal round giving us eleven kids in the finals. Whew, that was stressful, I’m going to take a nap, shower and carb-load for the Finals tonight on ABC. In case you’re wondering, I’m totally rooting for Kennyi Aouad and Sid Chand (because he’s from Michigan). I’m currently working on Aouad-Chand puppet commercial in case they meet in the final round.

A brief interlude before you start the second half of the post:



Now enjoy the rest of the diary, because... It's not Detroit!

8:00 p.m. - Tom Bergeron introduces the contestant, to which they all come out in a single file line and have to dap (fist-bump) the cameraperson, who has a Bee on his/her fist. Then they got in a circle, put a hand in a did a “One, two, three... SPELL!” I’m NOT making this up. I haven’t seen such awkward interactions since Ryan Seacrest attempted a High Five.

8:01 - According to Stimulus Package rules, all events must mention President Obama and hope. If you want your money, you’ve got to mention it.

Seriously, what does President Obama have to do with a spelling bee?

8:17 - Everyone has really stepped up their game tonight, no one has even gotten the Ding! yet...

8:23 - Tussah Heera looks nervous; it’s her first time at the Bee and I think the big stage may claim its first victim... that and having to spell “herniorrhaphy.”

8:24 - And she goes down; missing out on the double-R. One of the commentators said, about Heera, “She was trying to be the first winner ever from Nevada.” You got that right! I’ve been to Vegas, there are no winners; only drinking on the street and prostitution fliers. That's my Vegas.

8:27 - Kennyi Aouad strikes again! When Erin Andrews asks him about his confidence and sticks the microphone toward him, Kennyi rips it out of her hand and starts to answer her. If he starts talking in third person and asks Erin out on a date, I’m gonna adopt this kid.

8:38 - Ewwww. The first audience faux pas of the evening. They gave Serena Skye Laine-Lobsinger a premature applause before she got the dreaded Ding! Say goodnight my sweet Emo princess, your hipster hairdo will be missed.

8:50 - They just showed a “get-to-know-you” package on Kavya Shivashankar and I got to tell you this little girl is all business. She’s been a finalist four straight years (she has the tools), she knows her Bee history (which means she understands the moment and her relevance in it), she’s motivated by a former winner Nupur Lala (she’s hungry to win), watches the documentary Spellbound (she has a sense of humor) and she had the best quote by telling Erin Andrews that “you aren’t competing against the other kids, you’re competing against the dictionary” (savvy veteran move). All these kids are good at this stage, but Kavya stands out increasingly as the competition goes on.

8:54 - Down goes Chand! Down goes Chand! Down goes Chand! My main man from Michigan, Sid Chand, goes down on “apodyterium.” Last year Chand tied for second and him getting the “Ding!” is huge. All the other kids know it too, they give Chand a standing ovation as he walks off. The door has just opened a little more...

8:59 - We just finished round eight and we have seven spellers left... I need to take a walk around the block. This is stressful.

9:07 - Kyle Mou has got ice in his veins! This is how an average Kyle Mou round goes:

Kyle heads to the mic looking like he might have just woke up from a nap, ratchets down the mic because he’s about five-feet tall, repeats the word, about, twice, spells it in, about, ten-seconds, heads back to his chair for nap. Unbelievable. I will refer to him from now on as Big Daddy Kyle Mou.

9:21 - Start of round ten, still seven kids left... I’m left a little uneasy as we come back from commercial break and I see Kennyi Aouad signing autographs; don’t go T.O. on me now Kennyi. If he starts telling people to get their popcorn ready, we’re in trouble.

9:25 - After eleven straight correct answers, Tom Bergeron and Paul Loeffler, our two commentators, are openly calling upon the jinx Gods with Aishwarya Pastapur as she gets the word “xebec.” When was the last time you saw two grown men rooting for the failure of a thirteen year-old? Clearly, these guys want to go home.

9:26 - She’s not going down without a fight you two! Pastapur fights off “xebec” and Bergeron has to cancel his dinner reservations.

9:41 - We got our first misspelled word in sixteen attempts, if we go on a run here Bergeron may still be able to get a table.

9:47 - All my favorites are going down; Kennyi Aouad goes out on “palatschinken.” You did try your best and made me laugh, which is hard to do. The Bee feels a little flat now.

9:57 - Four competitors left and Big Daddy Kyle Mou steps to the plate and whiffs on “schizaffin.” My two favorites left (Aouad and BDKM) have gone out... I don’t know how I’m going to handle the Bee without them.

9:58 - Loeffler just tells us that if all the three other kids miss their words, they’ll start another round and Big Daddy Kyle Mou will be back in. And guess who’s up? Aishwarya Pastapur. You are now about to see three grown men openly root against a thirteen year-old.

9:59 - Damn! Nicely done, Pastapur. But I think my fiancee was wondering why I was yelling to the thirteen year-old on TV “Noonan! Miss it!” Not one of my finer moments.

10:01 - Three spellers left, Aishwarya Pastapur, Kavya Shivashankar and Tim Ruiter. Loeffler explains to us that we now move to the Championship Word List, which consists of 25 words and if all the kids spell those 25 words correctly we could have a co-champions. Bergeron just ran down to the stage to get a better jinxin’ spot.

10:13 - With her childhood friend (Pastapur) getting the Ding! Kavya Shivashankar goes out and leaves no doubt in anyones mind that she’s here to win this thing. She was all over “phoresy” like a spider-monkey. Now all that stands in her way of becoming the Scripps National Spelling Bee Champ is Tim Ruiter. Poor bastard.

10:15 - Here we go, Tim Ruiter gets the Ding! Now it comes down to just like Kavya said,“she’s competing against the dictionary.” One word stands in her way of becoming Bee Champion. Poor word.

10:17 - Boom goes the “Laodicean.” Congrats to Scripps National Spelling Bee Champion Kavya Shivashankar and to all the kids participating in the 2009 Scripps National Spelling Bell.

With nearly six hours of running diary, I hope you enjoyed. Now I’m going to be spelling everything I see for the next two weeks.

Ummmm... What!?!

For those of you who follow MMA fighting you might have heard of Kevin Casey and if you haven't you will now. Because Casey has issued a warning, in rap form, to all those who may fight him.

Now I've watched this video a couple times and it is horrible, so I suggest turning the volume down when you watch it. Also, there is "cameo" so baffling in this video, The Sports Pad can't make heads or tails of it. So here it is:



That's right, it's Spencer Pratt. SPENCER PRATT. Spencer. Pratt. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

So, let me get this straight, Casey, you want to be viewed as 'hard' so you put, in your 'crew', a borderline reality star, whose only real talent is getting made fun of on The Soup. What!?!

Even, Spencer doesn't think he belongs in the video. Just look at the way he moves around in this video like he is afraid if he steps on someones shoe he's going to get a beat down. And what's with the sunglass move Spence? We know it's you; you stick out like a sore, publicity whoring, thumb. There is no way we could mistake you for one of Casey's crew. Unbelievable.

To top it all of the videos ends with "To Be Continued..." You know where I'd like this to continue? For the next MMA pay-per-view, let's line up Casey and Pratt to fight in tag-team match against Fedor Emelianenko. I would pay one hundred American dollars to watch that bloodbath.

Not again Stu!

For those of you who may or may not know who I’m talking about in my title, I’m referring to Stu Jackson who is the Executive Vice President of Basketball Operations for the NBA. You might as well call him the Judge, Jury and Executioner of Basketball Operations, because they way he’s been levying penalties and suspension I can’t make heads or tails of his rulings.

Usually, I’m silent when it comes to suspensions or fines. I’ll usually accept them; sometimes I raise an eyebrow if something doesn’t quite resonate with me, but hey who am I? These league officials know the letter of the law and I’m just a fan who doesn’t much about the intimate details of Article IV, Section 8: Player conduct rules for the Strip Club (by the way that was my best imitation of a lawyer. Just call me Frank Abernathy).


This recent judgement (or lack of) regarding Kobe Bryant’s elbow to Ron Artest, is the straw that broke my back. How do does Jackson not suspend Kobe for a game? If the rule (and I’m paraphrasing) is a player gets an automatic suspension for throwing an elbow to the “Head and Neck” area of another player, then how does Kobe only get issued a Flagrant-1? (Dwight Howard was issued a game suspension for his elbow to Samuel Dalembert’s dome. Granted Howard’s elbow was thrown at the head and down, and Kobe’s elbow was thrown up and toward the neck.)

Where did Stu think Kobe’s elbow hit, was it not “neck” enough for him? Which leads me to my next question, where does the neck end and the chest begin? How did Ron Artest get called for a foul on a play where he caught an elbow to the much debated area? Finally, how is it right or fair to not call a foul on Kobe and then after reviewing the play issue him a Flagrant-1? See what you’ve done to me Stu, you’ve left me confused and, what is most important, you’ve left me debating the “end of a neck” instead of thinking about basketball.

I’m confused by the rulings of Jackson and the NBA because there seems to be little consistency to their judgements. Some rules are viewed as black and white issues, like when players leave the bench during an altercation they are automatically suspended and some rules are left up to interpretation, like this elbow-gate. However, the root of the problem isn’t with NBA front office or Stu Jackson or David Stern.

The root of the problem is the officiating. It’s the officials job to monitor play and make the calls as it happens. They are the first response to any incident on the court and they levy the first ruling, then the league can take a look a what happened and issue fines and suspensions. If the NBA is constantly reevaluating the calls on the court, what does that say about the three person officiating crew.

Not to say that they’re doing a bad job, because, for a three person officiating team, they handle it well, but clearly they’re undermanned. Because often, the officials continue to “leave the door open” for League officials to come in and alter rulings on what happened on the court. To me that says there aren’t enough officials on the court to catch everything that is going on at the speed that it’s happening.

If you look at the other major professional sports (NFL, MLB, NHL), none of them officiate their games with fewer than four officials. Of those three sports mentioned, Football has the highest player to official ratio at 3.1:1 (22 players, 7 refs). Basketball is 3.3:1. I know it might not sound like a big difference, but when you think about the regimented play of football versus the fluid motion of basketball, add the transitional speed of basketball and the fact that there are four fewer eyes to catch everything that happens with the possibility of not being in positions to make the call, it can make a big difference.

So if you’re reading David Stern, and I know he reads because he emails The Sports Pad, usually with messages like “I don’t know who you are, please stop referring to us as ‘Bro’s for life’.” “No, I will not come play golf with you and your friend Booger and I’ll have to take your word on the size of his pimp hand.”

But seriously Dave, my brotha from anotha motha, you need to change your officiating crews. Do us all a favor and give basketball fans what we crave: consistency. That’s all we want, because no matter how much attention it brings to the NBA, it taints the sport that we all want to see played at the most fair, highest level of competition.

Top Ten Sports Logos (kinda)

So I wanted to do a post about the best Sports Logos, but as I was going through all the different logos I kept finding incredibly odd ones. It was way more entertaining to look at the ridiculous logos than the established ones. So, The Sports Pad gives you his Top Ten Oddest Sports Logos.


10. Ft. Wayne Pistons, 1942-48, NBA



I love this logo because it makes me think that during the 1940s there was absolutely zero imagination. That everything was, literally, like the movie Pleasantville. We're the Pistons, so our logo should be a man made of pistons. Lock it down.

Plus, The confused emotion on this man of pistons is great. His eyes say he's pissed, but his mouth is laughing. That'll keep your opponents on their toes.

Just in case you were confused by the "Z" on his chest; the owner of the clubs last name was Zollner.

9. Columbia Lions, 1957-70, NCAA



Is this supposed to be one of those 3-D posters? I see a dove... and I'm nauseous. Which school President commissioned some hippy art student to design this? However the more I stare at this (the closer I keep a spoon nearby, so I don't swallow my tongue), the more I'm beginning to think this logo is genius. What's the best defense for a University with horrible athletics? A seizure inducing logo to render your opponents useless. Forfeit Championship!

(Side Bar Note: Was I the only one who could never see those 3-D posters?)

8. San Antonio Gunslingers, 1984-85, USFL



This logo was brought to you by the same people who illustrated Schoolhouse Rock! Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of your rivals and their fans like the skinniest, dirt 'stachiest, rootin', tootin' hombre in all of San Antonio.

7. Lexington Legends, 2001-Pres., South Atlantic League (Baseball)



From the thinnest mustache to the fullest, I give you Smuggy McSmuggerville. What is he smirking at? I have expect their to be a dialogue bubble above his head that reads "That's your sister... She makes good eggs... because I slept with her." OR "Now that you've met the man... Care to meet the Legend?" You could do this all day; trust me I have.

6. Tulsa Drillers, 2004-Pres., Texas League (Baseball)



Sooooo... The guy drills through the ball because he hits it so hard? Nope. Is the guy stabbing the ball with his drill, in a double-fisted manner, to intimidate? No. Oh wait, no, the drill looks like penis? That's right folks The Sports Pad has just made two consecutive Minor League Baseball Penis Logo jokes. I'm on fire!

5. Anaheim Mighty Ducks, 1994-2006, NHL



See this is exactly why the NHL is the red-headed stepchild of professional sports; they allowed an expansion team to adopt it's name from a popular Disney film, staring the mighty duck man, EMILIO! Would the NBA or the NFL ever allow this marketing disaster happen? I mean what adult would by the Mighty Ducks merchandise? What a terrible idea.

4. Shreveport Steamer, 1975, World Football League



This logo isn't all that odd or funny, but thank God this team wasn't from Cleveland.

3. Montgomery Biscuits, 2004-Pres., Southern League (Baseball)




A BISCUIT!?!? Really, you couldn't come up with a better idea than that? Did the team owner come up with the name during breakfast at Denny's? So we can make two biscuits the head, give him some eyes and we're done. Oooh, we could give him a pad of butter for a tongue. Let's play some baseball!

However, this does make way for the greatest slogan in sports history. Montgomery Baseball: Sop it up with a biscuit!

2. Kansas State Wildcats, 1985-88, NCAA



Alright, so whoever came up with this logo completely decided to abandon the fact that the Kansas State mascot is a Wildcat. The cat part they got right, but it looks like a house cat, there is nothing wild about this cat. I mean if this logo was from the '40s or '50s I would chalk it up to lack of imagination, but this logo was made in the '80s. The '80s Wildcat should've been wearing a wide collared shirt only buttoned to his navel, snorting cocaine and heading off to the discotech flanked by prostitutes. Now that's a wildcat!

And why is he pooping an "R"?

1.) Calgary Rad'z, 1993-94, Roller Hockey International



I can only imagine the advertising firm that came up this name and logo. It probably had two last names like Anderson-Martin and they said things like "Calgary is bleak dreary place and we want to make it pop." "Our market research tells us that kids respond to short, hip exclamations." "Our market research also tells us kids hate proper spelling and punctuation." And from that the Calgary Rad'z were born. What a totally tubular, bogus name.

I'm off like a prom dress to go peg my jeans. Sike!

The Sports Pad All-Nickname Teams

I’ve learned two things as The Sports Pad:
1.) I’ve seen what you get when you mess with a Warrior and I want no part of it.
2.) When a reader requests an article, you should probably do it.

So when the Warrior requested I do an article about my All-Nickname Team, I thought I should do it. The only real criteria that I have for my All-Nickname Team is that I didn’t want to put the super obvious choices. So no Magic, Pistol, Mean Joe, Mr. Hockey, Pudge or Satchel. Also, no initials. So LT, A-Rod and MJ are all out too.

Without further ado, I give you the SPORTS PAD ALL-NICKNAME TEAMS:
(I’ve taken the liberty to break them down by sports category. Enjoy!)

Basketball

Caron Butler, "Tuff Juice" - Because that's what's coursing through his veins... Tuff Juice. Wizard fans, you can order a really cool Tuff Juice T-shirt here.

Vinnie “Microwave” Johnson - Because he heats up in an instant. I watched many a Microwave scoring jag as a youth in Detroit.

Fred Hoiberg “The Mayor” - Hoiberg got this nickname because of his popularity on-campus at Iowa State and because his hometown is Ames, Iowa (Iowa State’s locale).

Jerome Williams, “The Junk Yard Dog” - He goes after rebounds like a junk yard dog.

Ricky Davis, “Get Buckets” - Why “Get Buckets”? Because that’s what Ricky does, get buckets. Davis has also started the “Buckets Brigade” were he buys 10 season tickets and distributes them to fans. While researching Davis’ nickname I found this wikipedia entry (all you need to read is the last sentence), which for any other player I would have immediately discounted the entry. But with Ricky, I thought about for second. That could be his motto...

Marvin Barnes, “Bad News” - An all-world talent who was always getting into trouble off the court. His drug addiction wasted a large portion of his career, bouncing him in-and-out of rehab facilities. However, he is now clean and counsels youth in the Providence, Rhode Island.

Channing Frye, “Buffet of Goodness” - When Frye was asked to describe his basketball talents he replied that he’s a “buffet of goodness” because he can do many things well.

Larry Nance, “The High-Ayatolla of Slamola” - Nance got this nickname after winning the NBA’s first dunk contest in 1984.

Basketball Nickname MVP:
Bill Mlkvy “The Owl without a Vowel” - I love this one. Again, the marriage between name and school works perfectly. Mlkvy played college ball at Temple University, nicknamed the Owls. Mlkvy once scored 54 straight points without a teammate scoring. Just get out of Klqrtndzx’s way and let him get buckets.

Football

Craig “Ironhead” Heyward - At 5’11” 250 (some reports he got up to 300+), Ironhead was one of the best “big backs” in the game. He also had an enormous head at 8 3/4.

Christian “Nigerian Nightmare” Okoye - Born in Nigeria, he had size (6’1” - 260), strength and the speed to be an absolute nightmare for opposing teams to bring down. Also this dude was a beast in Tecmo Bowl.

Gayle Sayers, “The Kansas Comet” - Sayers has been tabbed as one footballs best open field runners. He could have been one of the statistical greats if his career hadn’t been cut short by injuries. Just to let you know how much of an impact he made on the game he was the youngest player ever inducted to the Hall of Fame and he only played five seasons.

Elroy “Crazy Legs” Hirsch - Elroy got his name because he had a weird, gyrating running style. He also is the only University Michigan athlete to letter in four sports, football, baseball, track and basketball.

Calvin Johnson, “Megatron” - I’m a Lions fan and a fan of ‘80s alien robot cartoons.

Ron Mix, “The Intellectual Assassin” - Who says football players are dumb? Mix had a Juris Doctor degree from USC. He was a pretty good offensive lineman, too, getting called for only two holding penalties in 10 years.

Dave Fennell, “Dr. Death” - Fennell was a defensive tackle, who played in the Canadian Football League from 1974-83. He lead Edmonton to five straight Grey Cups championships and was the Most Outstanding Canadian in 1979. I think we should have an award like that here in America. Most Outstanding American. I’d like to nominate myself, The Sports Pad, for this inaugural award.

Chuck Bednarik, “Concrete Charlie” - If Tuff Juice was a nickname is the ‘50s and ‘60s, that might have been this guys name, but since it wouldn’t have made sense back then he went by Concrete Charlie. He played Linebacker and Center and was a concrete salesman during the offseason. Bednarik, always outspoken has some of the best quotes regarding modern-era football players and their toughness. Calling them “pussyfoots” who “couldn’t tackle my wife Emma.” No report what Emma’s 40-time was; I’ll keep looking though.

Karl Mecklenburg, “The Albino Rhino” - Just a big, white dude who wouldn’t stop until he has tackled you.

Victor “Macho” Harris - Word is that, Harris got his nickname from his dad when he was two years old. Ever since I’ve heard that story I’ve always wondered, “What did Harris do that made him think ‘damn, that kid is macho’?” Did he ask for a highball of scotch? Start a brawl in the nursery? Then I came across a photo from his childhood, here.

Lester “The Molester” Hayes - Was one of many characters one those late ‘70s Raiders teams. He was known for his physical style of coverage on wide receivers, which earned him the nickname that he hated so much. Hayes was also a huge Star Wars fan calling himself the “only true Jedi” in the NFL. But I don’t think that was the case, because if he was a Jedi couldn’t he have just waved his hand in front of the WR’s face and say “You don’t need to catch any passes today.” I don’t need to catch any passes today...

Football Nickname MVP:
Jared Lorenzen, “Round Mound of Touchdown”, “Hefty Lefty”, “BBQ - Big Beautiful Quarterback”, and “He Ate Me” - Lorenzen has all the ingredients for a nickname; size (he’s 300 lb.), odd position for that size (QB), southern playfulness. It’s the perfect storm for a nickname. Lorenzen has really had a Hall of Fame Nickname career, you’ve got ones that rhyme, acronyms, word play. It’s all there.

Hockey

Chris Nilan, “Knuckles” - The dude loved to fight, so he took up hockey. Nilan is why the joke on hockey is “I went to a fight and a Hockey game broke out.” I love his career numbers, too. Goals: 110. Assists: 115. Penalty Minutes: 3043.

Pat Verbeek, “The Little Ball of Hate” - 5’9” and full of rage. You know you’re a pest when your own teammates give you that nickname. He was a tough dude too, in ’85 his thumb was cut off in an auger accident; NHL games missed: 0.

Ken Linseman, “The Rat” - Linseman had a special talent for annoying the opposition, so much so he earned the nickname “The Rat.” Oh and he looked like a rat too.

Nikolai Khabibulin, “The Bulin Wall” - Perhaps the best goalie nickname you could possible have.

Curtis Joseph, “CuJo” - I know I said no initials, but when the initials form the name of fictional, rabid St. Bernard, who goes on a killing spree and can’t be stopped, well I’ll make an exception.

Sid Abel, “Old Bootnose” - He had a nose that looked like a boot. What?

Hockey Nickname MVP:
Stu Grimson, “The Grim Reaper” - 6’6”, 240 lb. His entire career he played the role of the enforcer. Mess with his teams best player and The Grim Reaper is coming for you.

Baseball -
Willie Jones, “Puddin’ Head” - Puddin’ head showed up when it mattered, this Phillie has six career grand slams.

Steve Lyons, “Psycho” - Lyons once slid into third base and without realizing there were fans in the stands or TV cameras broadcasting the game, he pulled down his pants to get the dirt out of them.

James “Cool Papa” Bell - A speed demon from the Negro Leagues, stories and legends about “Cool Papa” are just unbelievable, that he could run the bases in 12 seconds or that he would have made Jesse Owens look like he was walking. One of the most well known anecdotes is from Satchel Paige who said he was "so fast he can turn off the light and be in bed before the room gets dark." Bell came very close to being the Baseball Nickname MVP.

Andre Dawson, “The Hawk” - I loved this Cubbie growing up, but I have no idea why his nickname is “The Hawk”? Can anyone answer this for me? Anyway, it’s a pretty cool nickname.

Charlie Gehringer, “The Mechanical Man” - A consistent ball player who had two streaks of 500 games played in his career. It was said "just wind him up on opening day and for get about him."

Lenny Dykstra, “Nails” - As in “tough as...” Nails was just a hard charging, chew spitting ball player who slid head first into your heart.

Cecil Fielder, “Wild Bear” - Fielder got this name in Japan because of his enormous size.

Baseball Nickname MVP:
Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown - Mordecai’s nickname just wasn’t a gimmick, it was a lifestyle. As a kid, he lost parts of two fingers due to a farming accident. He went on to become a pretty good pitcher and his disability actually helped his pitching. Mordecai also had pretty awesome hair.

Miscellaneous Sports:
Soccer -
“One Size” Fitz Hall
Duncan Ferguson (Drunken Ferguson/Duncan Disorderly)

Boxing -
Thomas “The Hitman” Hearns
Vinny Paz “The Pazmanian Devil”
Chuck Wepner "The Bayonne Bleeder"
Mike McCallum “The Body-Snatcher”

Draft Musings...

The NFL Draft is over...256 picks, 28 draft day trades, 15 television hours worth of coverage and 1 last blog to read. Mine.

I’m I the only one who liked the last years format of the NFL draft. I liked that the way Draft Days were split, rounds 1-3 on day one and 4-7 on day two. This years draft had the first two rounds on Saturday, and I was left wanting more draft. Was that just me?

With agents clearly fashion policing their clients and hiring personal stylists will we ever see a Jalen Rose-ian performance again? The closest we came to it this year was Aaron Curry and even that wasn’t all that bad. I want to see bold, bright colors, gentlemen. Wear a suit that I could never pull off in a million years. And a hat. With a feather.

Did anyone from the Lions even try to negotiate with Matt Stafford’s agent? I mean 41.7 million dollars guaranteed! That’ll buy a lot of donuts at the Franklin Cider Mill. There is no simpler pleasure than cider and donuts...

The NFL has to fix the rookie salary structure and soon. No longer does your team receiving a top ten pick come with the same hope it once did. As a fan your main hope isn’t that your teams top pick can turn around your favorite franchise, but that he doesn’t become a bust that analysts will talk about for years later. Furthermore, It’ll allow teams more flexibility to move those top picks, which is always exciting from a draft standpoint.

Speaking of flexibility to move picks, is there anyone who is more upset with the Seahawks, GM Tim Ruskell than Chiefs, GM Scott Pioli. Just to fill you in, Ruskell days before the draft came out and said publicly that they had no intentions of drafting Mark Sanchez. That left the Chief’s Pioli leverage-less, in their only way to move out of the third pick, which they desperately wanted to do. Had the price tag not been so steep, Pioli might have been able to deal the pick and still get Tyson Jackson later in the draft. But the Chiefs couldn’t and decided to take him third, giving him a bust potential sized contract.

While we’re on the Chiefs, I watched the draft with a bunch of rabid Chief’s fans. Some fans were on the Aaron Curry bandwagon, some felt like it could go another direction, others were just hoping Scott Pioli would bring some of that Patriot magic and pull off some amazing deal. So when the Chiefs stayed at three and took Jackson, one Chief fan, will call him “Warrior” was so upset that I thought we were going to have to ask for his belt and shoelaces. It took the anger level of the day from zero to McEnroe.

I really can’t believe the Oakland Raiders. I know Roger Goodell can’t take the keys away from Al Davis, but couldn’t Goodell and the other owners have an intervention? The man is addicted to speed, not meth, but 40. Davis used to be a functional speed addict, he got guys like Cliff Branch and Tim Brown, but now Davis’ addiction had gotten out of control. He’s lying (the Lane Kiffin ordeal) and stealing (from the season ticket holders) to maintain his speed fix. It’s really sad. Could we get him to take part in a documentary about franchise owners, but it’s really an episode of Intervention. Who would be in the intervention room? Jack Lambert, Art Shell... John Madden! Would Madden telestrate his speech to Al? Errr, here’s you. Here’s me. Here’s a heart for cuz (Pow!) I love ya... Ahhh, you’re an addict. (Boom!) And what you’ve got to do here is (Bam!) Get some help. Today.
I’d actually pay to see that...

The Eagles have just dominated the draft... The got two starters, Jason Peter and Ellis Hobbs, for draft picks. They get great value in Maclin at 19. LeSean McCoy is a Pennsylvania kid, who played college ball at Pittsburgh, now he gets to learn from Brian Westbrook in a system that is perfect for him. Despite his ACL injury that kept him out his senior season, Cornelius Ingram should be ready to play and he may end up being one of the steals of the draft. Also, Victor “Macho” Harris is on The Sports Pad all-nickname team. And did I mention that the Eagles also added a 3rd, 5th and 6th round picks in next years draft?

I don’t understand what’s going on with the Cincinnati Bengals. They continue to pick low character guys and then Marvin Lewis wonders why they lead the league in arrests. Andre Smith has all-world talent and an all-world appetite. The main thing you look for in an offensive lineman is motivation. Are they willing to do the work in the weight room? Andre Smith’s Pro Day at Alabama was all I needed to see. Rey Maualuga is like dating a bipolar supermodel, yeah sure the physical stuff is amazing but you are never quite sure when that crazy switch is going to be flipped. But the best pick of them all is Bernard Scott who has been kicked off two teams (one high school, one college) and the last one was for punching his coach. Marvin Lewis you might get Carlesimo’d!

I’m really excited for the Jacksonville Jaguars. They add Torry Holt in the offseason and then grab two of my favorite late round WRs, Mike Thomas and Jarett Dillard. Two high character guys who get an unbelievable chance to learn from one of the games best. They also add Eugene Monroe who can come in and start yesterday for the Jags. I would, however, liked to have seen them add more defensive personnel.

With all the pomp and circumstance of the Mr. Irrelevant pick, is it really irrelevant anymore. They get a parade, gifts, a BBQ, golf outings. That’s pretty relevant. If you think about it, the second to last pick of the draft is the most irrelevant pick. So I nominate Dan Gronkowski as the real Mr. Irrelevant. Who’s with me?? I know it’s a stretch, but I’d just like to see the Lions win something...